Awake, My Soul...

You get emotionally broken at times and you swear that would be your last. But someone comes along who reminds you of what happiness may actually feel like again. You defy the odds and believe fate has finally reached out to you. A moment, an hour, a day passes but history repeats itself and you’re back to square one wondering how you got so stupid and caught up once again in lies, a beautiful face and deceit. Life is never so straight forward is it? 

So now you begin to suspect the problem might lie with you. You begin to ask yourself questions and doubt the only person who has protected you from the worst of it and helped you mend every single time; YOU. You berate yourself for always picking up the pieces and walking tall. Why must you be so bloody tough? What the fuck are all these high walls for? There’s no sunlight creeping in, only darkness and moist. Child, we need to let in the sunlight, stop swimming in darkness and getting hurt by the reefs. Smile more, laugh more, leave your room more and be different from who you are now. READING TOO MANY BOOKS STOPS YOU FROM LEADING A NORMAL LIFE. But it’s crazy, this is all you've ever known. This is what has made you different. Having zero social skills never translated to being a bad person. Its not like you hit a bus full of Nuns while driving a stolen car on your way to selling drugs to school children. You try to remember what circumstances occurred in your life to build such a strong brick wall around yourself. 

You’re second guessing your mentality. You’re a strong woman but that doesn't seem to be working. Death has left a really huge part of you broken somewhat and you do not know how to begin to fix it. You’re quite happy the way you are, but a lot of people see you as damaged and a bit crazy. They become weary of you because they cannot understand you. They think you’re weird and complicated. But that’s alright…

He walks into your life like a ray of sunlight, the shape of sound high in the evergreens, smiling and happy. So happy you want to punch him in his beautiful face. No one should be that happy. But his warmth surrounds you and you hate it because you don’t understand it. You’re hurting but he can’t see that. You won't let him in because you’re scared of being hurt again, of people knowing that you are actually capable of a great deal of emotion. You want to be loved though. You’re actually dying slowly to be loved for once in your life. But no one must know that. Love hurts anyway. Love means giving someone the power to destroy you but trusting them not to. Why would you want to subject yourself to such an emotion? Do you really want someone to turn your life around and share things with that you've never told another soul? Will you ever be comfortable enough with someone to cry in front of them or make a fool of yourself without feeling embarrassed? Is there a guy out there who will never hurt your feelings intentionally or make you feel like you’re not good enough, but rather help you break these walls and show you things about you that make you special and beautiful? Someone who only exudes calmness when they are around and you’re not worried about what they think of you because they love you for who you are?  Maybe... but at the moment the tough exterior suits you just fine. You understand you and that’s all that matters. One day, the walls will come down for the right person you tell yourself. One day...

But the walls never come down. Not even when you're alone. Not even when you're asleep. Not even when you're dead.

No One Understands

"Fairy tales are more than true: not because they tell us that dragons exist, but because they tell us that dragons can be beaten." Neil Gaiman,Coraline.

 Its three o'clock in the morning and i cannot fucking sleep. I'm so tired and i'm just praying it all goes away. But it doesn't, it hasn't and i fear that it wouldn't. Everything is as it should be. The world moves around me, my mind impervious to it. It moves around me, oblivious to my pain and breaking mind. My mind the only thing that keeps me sane, now about to drown in some abyss just like the rest of me. My willpower, my beliefs, my faith. Lord! My faith!!! Where did it all go wrong? When did this start? What is this feeling that creeps into my chest like the cold hands of death?

I cannot breathe. I'm having another panic attack. I've tried to talk to someone, no fuck that, i've spoken to a few people. But no one seems to get it. How can they? How do you understand something that baffles you? How can they understand something that even i don't understand? Something i cannot put into words? How do i explain what i'm going through to the ones i love without scaring them? How do i make them see that i'm not as strong as they think I am? How do i make them realise that I'm now broken, like a china doll, lying in bits and pieces at some dark corner of my mind.

Who is this i see when i look at the mirror everyday? Who is this that reminds me of someone i knew years ago? What is this nervousness i feel, breathless and ashamed to look further? I see something that leaves me very weak and disgusted. How did i come to be this person? What sad events in my life have led me to this strange place? How do you begin to fight a hollowness in your soul? How do you fill that void? I cross my hand over my chest as the tears start to fall, fearful of the sound, I bury my head in my pillow. Tempting. Perhaps it'll suffocate me to death and free me of this feeling. If I slit my wrists, how soon before my life ebbs away? Would I then be free of this agony? No? Perhaps if I swallowed all the contents of my advil box I'd see God. Would he let me have just one conversation before escorting me to the pits of hell? Is he going to understand that there is something seriously wrong with me? Would i be forgiven?

Why do i feel this way? What has gotten into me lately? I might be possessed by Belzeebub. My body his instrument of sadness and inhumanity, soul gone, feelings repressed and eyes like that of a dead fish. There is simply no joy in my life anymore, no happiness, no pain. Nothing. I've become an empty shell, not willing to hang out with my friends or family. Not wanting to do anything anymore. Most people would kill for my life, my job. What do you do when the things that used to bring you so much joy only bring you emptiness? Is there a National helpline for people in my condition? How do you deal with waking up screaming in panic at four o'clock in the morning? Pushing away that special one who wants to be there for you? Wanting to hurt them just so they feel a semblance of what you're going through? Hating them for trying to bring some light into your life. For being caring and sweet. Wanting to crush that joy and wipe the fucking smile off their beautiful faces. So jealous of them for being in a good place that it robs you of breath.

Neil Gaiman perfectly explains it: "In every way that counted, I was dead. Inside somewhere maybe I was screaming and weeping and howling like an animal, but that was another person deep inside, another person who had no access to the lips and face and mouth and head, so on the surface I just shrugged and smile and kept moving. If i could have physically passed away, just let it all go, like that, without doing anything, stepped out of life easily as walking through a door I would have done. But I was going to sleep at night and waking in the morning, disappointed to be there and resigned to existence".

Who do you talk to when you can finally put the way you feel into words? I am ashamed and i know that i shouldn't be. I'm lonely as I've always been. Lonely because no one knows. No one understands.

The Shit Hole.

First of all, my unlimited respect, value and salutation to all and their personal opinions.

I hate anal sex. I hate what it stands for, I hate the thought of it and I hate the practice of it. No fuck that, I’m scared shitless of anal sex. Have I ever had anal sex? NO! But I’ve had an anal experience that has put me off the whole thing for LIFE. I would dispense that story as you read on.

I find the very thought of it selfish and a tad bit degrading. Selfish because I really doubt anyone but the guy attains sexual pleasure from it. Research has shown that the walls of the anus are so tight that the rectum practically sucks up the penis like a vacuum which must be a truly great experience for the guy. So he cums and that ends that? Where’s the pleasure for the woman? Even if you decide to maybe stroke her clitoris while you analyse her, she would probably be too worried and tensed to reach an orgasm. We’re not even talking about the germs in the anus that can cause all kinds of infections. First of all, the anus must be lubricated to avoid pain and discomfort. The wall of the rectum is very thin and permeable that the man must go really gently so as to avoid tear or cause internal bleeding which may or may not be repairable. The chick is also likely to end up with permanent damage to her bowel movement. There are also those guys who don’t use condoms and cum in the butt. Do you know that semen mixed with contents of the rectum can make her really sick? What then is the point of mind altering sex if I can’t be relaxed or ask my partner to go fast when I’m on the throes of pleasure? Talking about one must not poopoo at least two hours before anal, must take a shower and use a douche to scent that place incase he wants to lick it. Like WTF!!! How many guys do you know will go down and lick an anus or put their fingers in one? Don’t worry-I’ll wait. Then again ladies, maybe your first rule to those anxious guys should be you can’t poke it unless you’re willing to lick it first.

Think about it for a minute though. The rectum was not designed to have things go in; only out. The vagina stretches to let in a penis and let out a child, but the anus does not. Hence regular use of it for sex will cause it to lose its elasticity and you may need to start wearing diapers or get stitched up. We women are so conscious of our bodies that it sometimes leads to nervousness during normal intercourse. Now, imagine if it was anal sex-she will probably be having thoughts like I just pooed isn’t my hole smelling, what if he puts his fingers there and it comes out with shit? I mean, why would any girl in her right mind be naked and allow a man’s penis enter there? I would personally be mortified. The smell, the germs, the bacteria-a huge fucking turn off. It would feel so sick, twisted and perverted. My friend Owolabi says "I agree that with some men it is a taboo and I’m sure that guys like me enjoy it more because we feel we are taking something that is not freely given. I think if it was in my case, when a chick says, ‘yeah, do me in the butt anytime you want, I love it and blah blah blah’, guys wouldn’t want it that much. I think deep down it’s the control factor and when the control is gone, the need is gone as well. I remember during NYSC, this chick said she didn’t like it but did it with two nice guys and at the time couldn’t sit for over a week. Two “nice” guys? If you don’t like it, why are you doing it? No wonder you can’t sit."

Okay, so my own meandering experience goes thus. I had a running stomach for almost 3weeks in March last year and after several urine, blood and stool tests which all proved negative, I decided to see a doctor about it. Biggest mistake of my life. I get there and he asks me the usual questions. Do you have rashes, swelling or blood around your butt? To which I reply in the negative. My mom insisted on going with me there to make me feel all comfy and stop the doctor from having any weird ideas. But I think she was really worried. Then he asks me to push up my dress, take off my panties and lie down on my side so he can check for swelling or blood. I’m like huh? Dude I just fucking told you I had none of that. I hesitate further when I see him putting on gloves and I’m like errrr… do you plan on sticking your fingers up my butt? He smiled and said I should just lie down and relax. I do so and as he sticks his finger up and around my butt to check for hemorrhoids and crap, I cringe in pain. It feels like three hours when its finally over but it was just about 45 seconds. He says there’s a little swelling but he needs to take a closer look. Now I’m even more confused than a blind lesbian in a fish shop. A closer look how? Do I have to pull my butt cheeks apart so you can peer inside? This man actually laughs. He goes over to some locker and brings out a periscope the size of a three month old puppy. I shit you not. It looked like the spaceship in ET. I thought to myself-there is no fucking way that 3month old puppy is going to fit in my ass. He laughs again and says ‘that is because this part does not go up there’. This guy is deranged I tell you. Like he’s enjoying my discomfort in a sick way. Out of the alien he pulls out this penis looking thing and says ‘this does’. He rubs some ky jelly and explains to my mom that it is to make it glide in easier… and that’s when I freak out. Fuck No! Fuck No!!! you’re not going to sodomise me with that shit. I don’t care what you think. Fuck that. My mom tells me I’m acting like a baby. I look at her like are you going to sit there and let them analise your daughter? She calls my sister, a doctor, who tells me I have to do it just to be sure I haven’t gotten internal bleeding and what not from the constant stooling. How is that even possible? People shit all the damn time. 

I’m so pissed off when I lie down. I squeeze my butt so tight and start reciting psalm23. The KY jelly obviously doesn’t work. How can it? The thing he’s trying to shove inside me is like 6inches, but my butt is squeezed so tight that only about two inches go in before I start uttering profanities. At the end, It was weird, painful and hurt like a muthafucker. Plus the doctor didn’t find anything. I wanted to slam his head on the wall. My butt felt violated and he gave me some medication and anusol. Getting fucked in the butt by a fucking microscope is not something I would ever want to relieve ever again- and one stupid guy will now tell me to open my butt for him to go in? The male gspot is located in the anus right? How about if I anal-ysed you instead? No? Yeah.. I didn’t think so.

Anal sex isn’t just for the sexually daring anymore, but don’t let that fool you. If you enjoy doing it then by all means carry on. But if you hate it and you’re doing it just to please your man-then you need to consider whether he truly respects and likes you. Backdoor play is a different beast altogether.

PS: Turns out the stooling was due to some chinese tea I had been drnking. All that pain for nothing.

A Rhetorical Conversation

When we hold each other, in the darkness, it doesn't make the darkness go away. The bad things are still out there. The nightmares still walking. When we hold each other we feel not safe, but better. "It's all right" we whisper, "I'm here, I love you." and we lie: "I'll never leave you." For just a moment or two the darkness doesn't seem so bad.

Neil Gaiman:Midnight Days

Hey Dad, sorry we haven't spoken in a while. I've been so caught up trying to live my life and chase money, that I've forgotten to take the time to remember you. You  who gave up everything for me. Sad, I know. Sometimes i feel that I'd go to work and come back to see you sitting in the second parlor surrounded by visitors. Your police uniform shining with that smile of yours. A smile i apparently inherited. I'm really sorry Dad, but I'm here now so let's talk.

How are you doing? Do you have a special cook catering to your meals there? You always did like your pounded yam and ground rice. You only allowed mom cook for you, so i wonder how you're coping now. It must really be hard. The Police force is still the same. MD Abubakar is now IGP. You always did say he was a good police officer. Oh me? There's nothing to say about me. I'm still confused about what i want to do with my life. I've grown tired of law, even though i love it so much. I feel like its time i tried something different. No, I don't have a new boyfriend. Hahahahahaha, I know I'm getting old Dad but there seems to be no honest guys out there. I promise I'm not being picky either.

Mom? *sigh*. What can i say under the circumstances. Mom is doing well. I know she misses you everyday. I see the hint of sadness behind her eyes and thank God everyday for her strength. I feel sorry for her occasionally, because when we all get married and leave the house, she will be so fucking alone. Forgive my use of words Dad, but none of this is easy on any of us. I'm not crying, My eyes itch. An eye lash must have fallen in. I've never been able to lie to you anyway. Every other person is doing great. Charlie got engaged in December and Henrie in January. Baby A has gone to the United States to pursue her USMLEA while Henrie left to do a masters in Scotland. Of course, we're always there for each other, closer than ever and yes we still argue. We're doing great things and sometimes we sit and reminisce about you. Looking at your picture makes me cry. I can't help it, the tears just roll down. Sometimes they come with a smile when i remember something you said or did and at other times its a heart wrenching sob from the depth of my soul. Then i have to hide from others because they look at me like I'm strong.

 Am i sniffing again? Thanks for the tissue Dad. My tissue is the memory of you instilled forever in my heart and memory. My tissue being that i know you're safe and well. My tissue being that there's a piece of you in each of us. Nigeria is slowly going crazy but i bet even you can see all that. Boko Haram and all sorts of other threats to the security and stability of the country. Yes, but we still pray and pray for better leaders and a better tomorrow. Hahahaha...ok, I promise that the next time we have a conversation, I'll tell you about 'the wonderful man' in my life. You know I miss you right? We all do. You liked the song Timi Dakolo and Rilwan did for you? Cry for you? Wow! I'll be sure to tell them. No, i hardly ever listen to it. Somehow i think you know why father. The words are too painful and sorrowful. You have to go now to pray and intercede on our behalf? Does it really work that way? We pray for you all the time sha. Our very own angel. I promise I'll see you someday in the afterlife.......but not yet.

It seems kinda strange the promises human beings make to each other. Our parents assure us that they will be there to protect us and then something stupid like cancer takes one of them away. Our friends consistently sound it in our ears that they have our back, but then something lame like an argument or greed and envy destroys that friendship and where does that leave us? We go through each day hearing about the failures, problems, death, diseases, shame and hurt of others, but how many of us really slow down to think of the consequences or the fact that it could have been any one of us in those shoes? How many of us really take time to appreciate our parents and siblings or the goodness we find in the people around us? The food, the shelter, the good health, the job, the okada or the car or even the money to enter public transport? Just stop for a minute and think about it.

Orieji

"We can see a thousand Miracles around us everyday. What is more supernatural than egg yolk turning into a chicken?"

I woke up naked and covered in sand. My body hurt all over like i had run to the next village which was  three hours away. Marks marred my skin like i had battled a wild animal. The early morning sun was just teasing the sky with its appearance. I looked around me, feeling disoriented. My head hurt in a million places. How did i get there? Where were my clothes? I tried to stand and fell flat on my butt. I yelped in pain, gave it another minute and tried again. It took some effort but i was on my feet, eyes scanning around for any signs of trouble. I felt nauseous and bent over to puke out my dinner from the night before.

My body felt strange. I could still smell the river from my position. The sound of insects was like music to my hears. I understood the language of the squirrel calling its mate to join him in the hunt for nuts. I looked around once more. Somehow a part of me knew i was the only person around, so i started walking. Wait! I knew this place like the back of my hand. How many times had i come to this forest to escape the abuse and nsogbu of my chauvinistic step father? Chauvinistic, a word we learned at the missionary school. I cradled it to my thoughts like a new born child. I loved to learn new words.

I found my clothes by the pathway. The wind must have carried them there. It was a mess, so i tied my wrapper and picked up some speed. Sunrise was a beautiful thing to behold and one of my favourite times of the day but i had no time for that now. I had to get home before anyone noticed my absence. I inhaled the morning air, and my body relaxed a bit. The soil under my feet felt alive, almost as if it was moving with me. My body was lighter and before i knew it i was running. A cock crowed to my left in greeting. I felt free and laughed at the sound of the breeze in my ears. I slowed as i neared home. Ochoniro the palm wine tapper was already on his way to tap. He greeted me with a smile as i passed. He was a quiet one, that one. The villagers said he was possessed, yet they rushed to buy out his palm wine day after day. I snorted as i entered our compound, slowing creeping into the room i shared with my step sister and lay on my mat. She was asleep, snoring like one of Mama Ekwi's pigs. I stifled a chuckle as the memories of the night before came rushing back.

The Day Before

I felt rage like no other when he hit me a second time. How many times did he have to tell me that my biological father was a no-good-drunk who left my mother and I when we needed him the most. Tweh, I spat at his feet. Gini ka-ima? What do you know about my father? He would have eaten you for lunch for laying a hand on me. He sneered and laughed. Really? Where is he now then? Why can't he come and save you he said as he backhanded me. I fell to the floor and tasted copper. My lips were bleeding. I heard someone come into the room and when i looked up i saw my mother. She looked furious. Ebitu, what has she done this time? And how many times have i warned you never to lay a hand on my daughter? He looked at me incredulous and smiled. It was scary, evil even and i shivered. He walked away and my mom helped me to my feet. He loved her, which was why i never did anything. Orieji, she began, you must try not to let him upset you so much. There's great power in you my child, and i fear for those you mark as enemies. I wanted to look her in the eyes and tell her that i saw my father everyday. But my promise of secrecy to him wouldn't let me betray that. Instead i hugged her and went in search of my calabash. I needed the river to clear my head. The smell of cassava being washed and soaked to infiltrate my nostrils.

How long i stayed there i don't remember, but it was past sunset when i got up to leave for home. As i walked the pathway, i heard the rustle of leaves and tasted fear. I wasn't alone, which became evident as  a whistle began and something hit me from the back causing me to stumble. A hand covered my scream and my body was lifted from the ground. I began to fight but it was no use. They gripped me tighter and something hit my head hard. They walked some distance. Then just like that they let me go and i fell with a thud. I opened my eyes and saw five men, strangers, probably from out of town. One of them was already stripping and the others moved to pin me down. I screamed and a slap split my lip, Two of them held my feet and the other two held unto my hands.

I begged for mercy but the naked one just licked his lips as he approached and ripped off my clothes. Then he bit into my breasts and i cried out in pain, his fingers sticking into my private parts. I began to whimper and move only to have him stuff pieces of my clothes in my mouth. He bent to lick my breasts again and i closed my eyes. Out of my heart began a rhythm and in my head, voices began to speak in tongues i couldn't understand, yet sounded familiar. Me na mimo kaleshi, Adastra rebo mistu. Kobana ewolu, bia, bia,bia. Nuo olum, bia, bia, nyem ike, nyem oku, nyem aka. The voices in my head rose to a fevered pitch and i snapped my eyes open, focused on the leader. I stopped jerking and when he looked at me, the blood left his face and he began to choke. The forest grew loud with the sound of insects and animals. The trees looked like they were dancing. The whole forest was a riot. The others let go of me in confusion. I stood and continued to murmur. Instincts made me clap thrice and bright lights surrounded me. The naked one fell down dead. The others tried to move, but roots quickly wrapped around their legs and pinned them down. I knew the moment my Father burst out in his animal form and tore into one of them. Yet i continued singing and chanting. I walked slowly to where the one who slapped me was held. I spat on my hand and rubbed them in his eyes, causing him blindness as sores spread over his body and burst. Even as he fell, the soil opened up and covered him. The night became cold and i felt death. Their death.

I tasted the fear of the other two, and saw shock in their eyes. My body radiated light like no other and the sand kicked up a storm. There was movement behind me and when my senses spread that way, i discovered more beings like my Father. It seemed as if they awaited some sort of signal from me. So, I raised my hands to the heaven and they descended on the remaining two. The heavens rumbled with thunder and the sound was like music to me. These mortals dared to defile the daughter of Onweala, the god of the forest. There was magic in the air. It was beautiful but all too much for me to take in. I wanted to close my eyes, but my body was no longer mine to control. The others being eaten alive screamed and begged for mercy but my father had never been a forgiving one, and as the last of them went to their death, i fainted.

That Same Horn

 

It is late Wednesday evening. Steeped in despair at the flight i was about to catch to Abuja, i walked slowly through the airport, unmindful of the people there. The drunks, the families traveling together, Stephanie Okereke and the endless parade of possible homosexuals and politicians. Occasionally i glanced at the faces of these strangers, a young couple in love, a group of teenagers laughing about a scary movie they saw last night. Hah! They had no idea what scary really was, but i could show them. What would they think?  What would they do if they knew what i really was? Would they recoil in horror and disgust, or stare at me in disbelief? I'm taking the 8:45pm Aero flight for the Xmas. I'm depressed. A depression that occured as soon as my PA called to tell me he could only get me a seat on Aero. Aero? That's pure undiluted depression right there.

My skin as usual is cold to the touch, but I'm used to that. My eyes however are large and bright, attracting looks from everyone as i walk past. My lips are full and inviting and my breasts feel heavy even as i look around the airport. I'm hungry and thirsty but the smell of food in the nearby coffee shop repulses me and i squeeze my face in disgust. How can they stand these things? I locate an empty seat between a fat man and a young woman. He's asleep and snoring softly like he's been that way for a bit. The girl smiles as i sit down. Her eyes take in my expensive clothing and i see her eyes sparkle. I can tell she's been around. Different scents of men linger all over her like a bad omen. I can smell the syphillis and i look away in disgust. Boarding announced.

I'm just walking to the boarding gate when I see him. He's tall and built, wearing a t-shirt that said 'not a booty call' and i can't take my eyes off him. My heart slams when his eyes meet mine and my stomach rumbles, electricity cackles between us and he looks surprised. I'm glad to know he's affected by the chemistry. I can already picture us writhing on silk sheets in our nudity. His arms are toned from pushing weights and his butt looks so delicious i wanna sink my teeth into them. He keeps glancing at me like we have met somewhere before.

I take my business class seat. My kind have immersed a fortune over the ages but my fee as a private investigator more than compensates for my lavish lifestyle. I was about to put my luggage into the overhead compartment when i felt his presence. He is my seat mate. I smile to myself but he looks nervous. Good. He had every reason to be. He was mine before he even saw me. His body belonged to me and i wet my lips in anticipation of our co-joining. I felt his sorrow like a slap as soon as he sat down next to me. I could read his thoughts. He had lost a loved one. But hadn't we all? I introduced myself and we got talking. His name is Abba.

The plane landed too soon. I was transfixed with this being like no other, and my surprise was visible when it turned out we were both guests at the Hilton. He took my phone number with a promise to call when he was settled in his room. I hoped to hear from him , but a part of me knew it was a bad idea. My conscience reminded me of the people i had hurt in the past. How many men had i truly loved i wondered. There were four in all my years on earth. The others i just took from and used to satisfy my thirst. They meant nothing. My phone rang as i got out of the bath. It was him, asking me to join him for dinner downstairs. I told him i would prefer dinner in his room. He didn't mind and gave me his room number. He asked me to give him an hour as he wanted to take a shower. I took time to apply lemon oil to my skin. The effect was a healthy glow, a lovely smell and the feeling of edibility. My lace lingerie from Style Rebirth was next and a silk frock from L'espace completed the look. My hypnotic poison was so arousing to my senses even as i applied heavy eye liner. My lip gloss was cherry flavoured with a tingy sweetness to it. I opened my door and walked towards the elevators.

As i took the elevators down, i could hear the voices of people all around. The husband beating his wife, the gay couple making out, the waiters teasing each other. I didn't try to close them out, i needed the distraction. The elevators opened for a group of young men. One whistled at  me and i could feel his desire rise like a rabid monster. I smiled. Men are such fickle creatures. The doors opened to Abba's floor and i followed the arrows to his room. I was 20 minutes early-intentionally-of course. I knocked on the door thrice and heard him yell something. But nothing could prepare me for the sight when he opened the door. He had only a towel around his waist. There was also an impressive tattoo of a panther running across his chest. We looked at each other and i don't remember who moved first.

I pulled off his towel as we kissed and i could feel his erection prodding my stomach. I died when he moaned and my skin began to crawl. I was on heat, so much so that the air became misty and little droplets of water began to fall. His eyes were glazed with desire and confusion when i pushed away from him, but his mouth fell open when i began to take off my clothes. My breasts felt heavy and my stomach rumbled. When we kissed again, my womb clenched and i pushed him to the bed and took him in my mouth. He grabbed a pillow as i licked him over, and over again. He turned me round to return the favour and i growled like a baby rotweiler. My body was stretching, i needed him so i pushed his face up and kissed him. I climbed on top and felt my legs shake as i rode him like it was my last day on earth. When his lips touched my nipples, i felt my body tense up so i grabbed both his hands and lay them on my butt. I rode him faster and bent down to taste the skin on his neck. So salty, pulse throbbing, ebbing with blood. It was hard to control the monster raging in me. My stomach rumbled again reminding me that i had not eaten all day. My eyes started to itch and redden, and my vagina walls began to close around his penis. He moaned louder and my fangs elongated. And as we both reached earth shattering orgasms, I bit into his neck and drank him dry. It is true what you have heard. My kind really does exist. I am Vampyre and i live amongst you.

 To @sheisboki, @khimmypossible, @iluvpinkblush and @RealistXX for the encouragement. This post is respectfully dedicated.

Adam and Steve

 In Genesis Chapter 19, we are told that because two men (angelic beings) were seen going into Lot's house, both the young and old men of Sodom surrounded his house and said to him "Where are the men who came to you tonight? Bring them out to us, so that we may know them" ("know them" means sex). Lot refused and instead offered his two virgin daughters to this group of deranged and possibly possessed people. The mob refused his offer and threatened to do worse to Lot than they would have done his guests and proceeded to break the door. Lot's angelic guests rescued him and struck the men with blindness. God had promised Abraham that he would spare the city if even 10 righteous men were found in it. But of course there were no such men. And as Lot and his family fled Sodom and Gomorrah, the Lord destroyed the city with Fire and Brimstone.

In the same book of Genesis, God sees the wickedness and immorality of man and is grieved by his creation, resolving to send a great flood to cleanse the earth. God asks Noah to build an ark to save himself, his family and the world's animals from worldwide deluge of the great flood. Of course people made fun of Noah as he built the ark. After the ark was safely built and with Noah and Co on board, the doors were sealed and that's when the rains came. Its written that in the seventh month, the rain was restrained and the ark rested on the mountains of Ararat. God established his covenant with Noah, his sons and with all living things by placing a rainbow in the clouds. The rainbow is a reminder to mankind that God will never destroy the world with flood again.

In both scenarios, man is destroyed by the creator for "SIN". In the former it was for homosexuality and in the latter it was immorality-which covers an array of sins. In truth, there are different examples in the bible where man has been punished for one sin or another. Remember when the Israelites whilst in the wilderness annoyed God and he sent poisonous snakes to afflict them. A lot of people died whilst others were gravely injured. Not to forget the case of Ananias and his wife Sapphira who were struck down dead by God after they lied about profits they made from the sale of their land. Check this: 'for LYING'.

Recently the internet and the nation has run amok with the Senate's stand on Homosexuality and all of a sudden everyone is a righteous muthafucker. Tweeting and chatting absolute nonsense and trying to impress their followers, get others to laugh or earn some yellow bars like their very lives depended on it. Its amazing how hypocritical a lot of us can be about certain issues. 

Being a homosexual does not make one lesser than the rest of us. Its a sin-agreed- same as fornication (which by the way 80% of you reading this blog practice) is a sin, just as adultery, cheating, lying, stealing and even sodomy/anal sex between a guy and a chick is a sin. Do you get it now-a goddamn sin yo. This means that unless you repent of sin, its the same hell fire everyone of those other sinners are going to.

Its not okay for you to make fun of gay people and castigate them because you've never had a loved one, a friend or a family member who was gay. Do you really think they do not feel victimised and discriminated against enough?  Or would you rather i give a list of people who have committed suicide just because they found out that they were gay, coupled with the grief and ostracism the society would subject them to. From Stuart Walker, 28, who was beaten and burned alive after being tied to a lamppost and left there because he was gay to Justin Fashanu (John Fashanu's brother) who committed suicide after being accused of sexual assault against a 17year old as rumours circulated heavily that warrants had been issued for his arrest. His suicide note read " I realised that i had already been presumed guilty. I do not want to give any more embarrassment to my friends and family". It was later found out that there in fact was no warrant out for his arrest. He was the first black footballer to command a One Million pound transfer fee.

Last night as i sat in my room with two of my good friends talking about random stuff, this issue of homosexuality reared its twelve heads. I say twelve heads because everyone's opinion differs from that of the next person. The guy believes that homosexuals should be killed. He says that God gave man the brain to decipher between good and bad. He went on to say that God created Adam + Eve, not Adam + Steve, and that if it was God's desire that man should kpox another man, he would have made a lesser being who looked female. I was astonished. I usually agree with him on certain issues, the death penalty?!?! Are you kidding me? Kill a person just because they would rather mate with members of their own sex? Not because he assassinated a political leader, or was a pedophile, or raped and murdered a whole family of women, or participated in a failed coup. Kill him just for his sexual orientation? That i did not get.

Please, please, please, please, please, in all that we do on this earth as human beings, we should always be our brothers' keepers whilst trying not to judge our neighbour. There are so many psychological traumas that gay people already face. Its much deeper than the stuff you read on the papers or that you see on television. There are loads of people who practice anal-fucking-sex and still open their mouths to crucify gay people. Its almost laughable. Its none of your business. Think of how to better your own life and make heaven. All sin is sin as far as I'm concerned. So before you go running to that police station to report your neighbour who is/you think is homosexual, with the aim of getting the Twenty Thousand Naira reward, just remember this: They don't make air conditioned rooms in hell.
 

Rule Book of Bollocks

What a bunch of absolute fuckery listening to people debate and whine about dating a chic who has a history string of 7-10 guys below the belt. I mean, is that what the problem is with Nigeria today? Guys paying too much attention to womenfolk's vagina and judging her by statistics? So if she dated 10 guys in 10 years and slept with all ten that makes her whore? Mothers telling their daughters bullcrap like "I was a virgin when i married your dad" is bollocks number two after "I always came first in school" in the rule book of bollocks our parent's say.

Who died and made you judge over Israel? How dare you decide what to tell a woman based on the people she's been with. What do you know of her life, her struggles, her pains, her weaknesses, the circumstances that drove her to do the things she did? A woman sleeps for money-its an issue. She sleeps for fun-its wahala. She kpoxes her man-its wahala. What the hell is wrong! You quote the bible and lay emphasis on the verses that state a woman should be virtuous. Didn't your bible tell you that virginity is not a virtue? (A virtuous woman is explained in Proverbs 31). Are you telling me that a virgin who has committed patricide, murder, sodomy or has stolen from the church, her company and oppressed those beneath her is virtuous all because her hymen is intact? Get thee behind me satan. 

I suppose when you asked your girlfriend how many guys she had been with, she said you were the second right? In your mind you've snagged one of the good ones shei? Lets think about this for a moment- you date a girl who has just slept with two guys, but has no job, is lousy in public, can't stand your family and is rude to all your friends or on the other side, she's had seven lovers, is a great cook, has a great job, is church going, and an introvert-which of them would you pick. Yes, you have to choose one, you can't have it all.

At the end of the day, sex doesn't last forever. When we are old, and our bones are too weak to support us, and we begin to lose our ability to hold urine or hold in fart, what happens next? We obviously cannot have sex. Is it gonna matter then if your wife slept with 10 men? If you guys are not friends, or if you do not get with someone who you find attractive spiritually, mentally, academically, socially and physically then you're gonna grow old to be a miserable excuse of a human being.

Every woman's body is hers to do with as they so please. I'm not saying you should go all domitilla on yours but didn't Martin Luther King say we should be judged by the content of our character? A woman should never be fucking judged by the amount of guys she's slept with. Its a fucking ridiculous mentality and O kod belso to all the guys who think otherwise. For the ladies who go around running their mouths and stabbing other girls in the back. Keep doing what you're doing because that's the highest level you'll ever get to in life. You  think you're Miss goody-2-shoes because no one knows about the dragon size skeletons in your closest. If you've really only slept with two guys i'm really happy for you.  It can only be one of three things: You're just into your second relationship, You're a lesbian, or you're a really principled person. Either way, let that decision be yours and not reflect on others. I'm really pleased for you either way.

I had this acquaintance who went on and on and on about how her friends were sluts and how she couldn't stand aristo girls/girls who dated married men and how they were all going to hell. She would give speeches about how her mom taught her better and all that. They are your friends, why can't you talk to them? Why badmouth them to me?  Do you know how annoying it is to listen to such holier than thou people? Yesterday i just got fed up and said to her, "Your mom is a freaking third wife, how the hell do you think she got there?" I'm against ladies dating married men, it is so wrong on many different levels. But if i had a friend doing such, you can be sure i'd give them a piece of my mind-not ramble about it to some acquaintance. 

All i'm saying is that there are more important things in life. There are women getting raped and assaulted everyday, Men dying at war, Children being sold into all sorts of slavery, malnourished, dying of diseases and starvation, Hurricanes, famines, wild fires, tsunamis, earthquakes, poverty, world hunger, joblessness, Ozone layer falling apart and in Nigeria boko haram and what not. What have you done to help your neighbour who is destitute or a stranger in need? When last did you visit an Orphanage or donate to your local church or mosque? There are more pressing issues in this life than sitting on your butts wondering if or why the chic you're with has slept with over seven guys. Its not that serious-yet.

What Women Want....

"Women have been trained to speak softly and carry a lipstick...Those days are over"

WWW are the three words guaranteed to frighten any man alive-or at least according to the men folk. Men act as confused as a bunch of blind lesbians in a fish shop when it comes to understanding what makes the average woman tick. For ladies all we had to use were our instincts, intuition and a little bit of detective work when it came to men. I agree my Father told me about the birds and the bees but i hate to think it was all lies because I went steady with a woodpecker for three years. He never told me about woodpeckers. But i figure the same way all guys cannot be said to be the same, is the same way guys must understand that "All women DO NOT want the same thing".

An aristo chic would tell you she wants a wealthy guy, hell most chics would say the same thing. But there are those who care about the more mundane things in a relationship as opposed to wham bam thank you maam. Sometimes i feel the reproduction of man is a great marvel and mystery. Had God consulted me in the matter, I should have advised him to continue the generation of the species by fashioning them out of clay.

My name is Phury Mackeltar and these are the things i want in a man. Understand that this is merely a wish list and may differ a little from reality.

Sensitivity: A man has to be attuned to me in a way. I said on twitter some days ago that the best aphrodisiacs for women are words. Words lead to every thing-forgiveness, sex, relationships, hatred etc. I need to know that when I'm sick, irritated, confused, sad, happy, dejected or even having a bout of low self esteem, he would understand my plight. He should know what to say and when to say nothing but just be there for me. This falls under being romantic too.

Confidence: Men have called me a bitch, a man-hater, a feminazi and all that bollocks...but in my mind it always translates to "You don't need me to validate your existence, and that scares me". I can't stand a man who appears intimidated by me. There is nothing sexy about that and I will only just resent you. Seize me by my horns and kiss me if you want to. If i slap you, that basically tells you not to try it next time. But what if i don't?

Honesty: I tell white lies sometimes but its all in good faith.I like to shock people as much as i can and once that aim is achieved i go on to tell you it was a joke. If you met a girl you wanted to have a casual relationship with, just come right out and tell her that instead of making promises you can't keep. You know the adage about a woman scorned yeah? Believe me, there's a reason its called 'girls gone wild' and not 'women gone wild'. When girl's go wild they show their breasts. When women go wild they kill men or drown your new girlfriends in a bath tub of urine and puke. All women do this right? No? Shit!!!

Players: I cannot fucking stand players. I've had to tell girls off on certain occasions. Your jerk of a boyfriend is like a plate of rotten beans in the fridge. You don't keep going back and tasting the beans to see if its better; why do you think that if you gave him enough chances, he'll magically become a nice guy. If you are a player and reading this, revert to the above paragraph on honesty.

Intelligence: Its been said that once a woman passes a certain point in intelligence, it is almost impossible to get a husband;she simple cannot go on listening [to men] without snickering. I want someone i can carry interesting and intellectual conversations with. My date last night was so annoying. And oh!the painful attempts at wit. Clearly this guy thought he was hot shit on a stick with rice. I do agree with the shit part,though,i definitely have my suspicions about that stick. Do not tell me I'm so tall, or sexy or have niceteeth. That is not intelligent. Especially the part about my teeth.

Brave: People are wrong. The size of a man's penis is unimportant. What matters is how big his balls are. Whilst i don't want someone prone to displays of public nuisance, i would sleep better at night knowing that my man would break a jaw to keep me safe.

Commitment and Friendship: I know I'm commitment phobic but maybe that's because i haven't met the right guy yet. But when i do, I'd like for him to be committed to me.I think men are more in touch with the realities of commitment, and that's why they avoid making them. We women on the other hand candy-coat the reality of dating. Its always important to become friends with a chic who you like without telling her you like her. That way you get to know the real her.

Sex: Need i say more? You're either good or willing to learn. Either of the two works for me, but if after six tries you still ejaculate after ten seconds, then we have to call Houston. After sex when I'm not satisfied, and he lays there grinning like he just kissed Irina Shayk, I feel like pouring hot wax on his penis. Hahahaha. I jest of course:premature ejaculation isn't a laughing matter for anyone, except for your friends when you tell them about it on the phone the next morning. I know someone's marriage who ended because the main event was invariably over before he got his shoes off.

Look Good: No beer bellies or teeth plaques from too much smoking. This is why women have more opportunities than men to get laid. I mean, have you LOOKED at the guys complaining that they can't get any? They have bad haircuts, no concept of how to dress, don't shave their armpits or wear any underwear. Then some tuck their shirts into pants so that we can see their beer bellies hanging over their belts. Ovoko!!! And they try the LAMEST lines on women who look like they just stepped off the fashion pages of vogue. Now if you were a wealthy SOB, all that may work for you-But if all we are talking about is sex here, and raw sexual extraction. Let's face it, the bulk of the male race is damned ugly. You want to get laid or need that hot chic with the toned body? Try looking HALF as good as the women you drool over.

God Fearing: That is all. No need for explanations. This simply means you can't initiate weird things or illuminate.

I've said it before, there are lots of single women in the world that have yet to spontaneously combust due to lack of the presence of the penis. So if as a guy after reading this you find it hard to understand WWW, then i really don't care anymore. Plus now i don't even care if you're angry or frustrated because someone [me] changed the rules while you weren't looking and forgot to send a damned memo. Not all women want the same thing. Just concentrate on what the one you're with or want to be with wants. Get used to it,guys. Or get a cat.