"Fairy tales are more than true: not because they tell us that dragons exist, but because they tell us that dragons can be beaten." Neil Gaiman,Coraline.
Its three o'clock in the morning and i cannot fucking sleep. I'm so tired and i'm just praying it all goes away. But it doesn't, it hasn't and i fear that it wouldn't. Everything is as it should be. The world moves around me, my mind impervious to it. It moves around me, oblivious to my pain and breaking mind. My mind the only thing that keeps me sane, now about to drown in some abyss just like the rest of me. My willpower, my beliefs, my faith. Lord! My faith!!! Where did it all go wrong? When did this start? What is this feeling that creeps into my chest like the cold hands of death?
I cannot breathe. I'm having another panic attack. I've tried to talk to someone, no fuck that, i've spoken to a few people. But no one seems to get it. How can they? How do you understand something that baffles you? How can they understand something that even i don't understand? Something i cannot put into words? How do i explain what i'm going through to the ones i love without scaring them? How do i make them see that i'm not as strong as they think I am? How do i make them realise that I'm now broken, like a china doll, lying in bits and pieces at some dark corner of my mind.
Who is this i see when i look at the mirror everyday? Who is this that reminds me of someone i knew years ago? What is this nervousness i feel, breathless and ashamed to look further? I see something that leaves me very weak and disgusted. How did i come to be this person? What sad events in my life have led me to this strange place? How do you begin to fight a hollowness in your soul? How do you fill that void? I cross my hand over my chest as the tears start to fall, fearful of the sound, I bury my head in my pillow. Tempting. Perhaps it'll suffocate me to death and free me of this feeling. If I slit my wrists, how soon before my life ebbs away? Would I then be free of this agony? No? Perhaps if I swallowed all the contents of my advil box I'd see God. Would he let me have just one conversation before escorting me to the pits of hell? Is he going to understand that there is something seriously wrong with me? Would i be forgiven?
Why do i feel this way? What has gotten into me lately? I might be possessed by Belzeebub. My body his instrument of sadness and inhumanity, soul gone, feelings repressed and eyes like that of a dead fish. There is simply no joy in my life anymore, no happiness, no pain. Nothing. I've become an empty shell, not willing to hang out with my friends or family. Not wanting to do anything anymore. Most people would kill for my life, my job. What do you do when the things that used to bring you so much joy only bring you emptiness? Is there a National helpline for people in my condition? How do you deal with waking up screaming in panic at four o'clock in the morning? Pushing away that special one who wants to be there for you? Wanting to hurt them just so they feel a semblance of what you're going through? Hating them for trying to bring some light into your life. For being caring and sweet. Wanting to crush that joy and wipe the fucking smile off their beautiful faces. So jealous of them for being in a good place that it robs you of breath.
Neil Gaiman perfectly explains it: "In every way that counted, I was dead. Inside somewhere maybe I was screaming and weeping and howling like an animal, but that was another person deep inside, another person who had no access to the lips and face and mouth and head, so on the surface I just shrugged and smile and kept moving. If i could have physically passed away, just let it all go, like that, without doing anything, stepped out of life easily as walking through a door I would have done. But I was going to sleep at night and waking in the morning, disappointed to be there and resigned to existence".
Who do you talk to when you can finally put the way you feel into words? I am ashamed and i know that i shouldn't be. I'm lonely as I've always been. Lonely because no one knows. No one understands.
