A Rhetorical Conversation

When we hold each other, in the darkness, it doesn't make the darkness go away. The bad things are still out there. The nightmares still walking. When we hold each other we feel not safe, but better. "It's all right" we whisper, "I'm here, I love you." and we lie: "I'll never leave you." For just a moment or two the darkness doesn't seem so bad.

Neil Gaiman:Midnight Days

Hey Dad, sorry we haven't spoken in a while. I've been so caught up trying to live my life and chase money, that I've forgotten to take the time to remember you. You  who gave up everything for me. Sad, I know. Sometimes i feel that I'd go to work and come back to see you sitting in the second parlor surrounded by visitors. Your police uniform shining with that smile of yours. A smile i apparently inherited. I'm really sorry Dad, but I'm here now so let's talk.

How are you doing? Do you have a special cook catering to your meals there? You always did like your pounded yam and ground rice. You only allowed mom cook for you, so i wonder how you're coping now. It must really be hard. The Police force is still the same. MD Abubakar is now IGP. You always did say he was a good police officer. Oh me? There's nothing to say about me. I'm still confused about what i want to do with my life. I've grown tired of law, even though i love it so much. I feel like its time i tried something different. No, I don't have a new boyfriend. Hahahahahaha, I know I'm getting old Dad but there seems to be no honest guys out there. I promise I'm not being picky either.

Mom? *sigh*. What can i say under the circumstances. Mom is doing well. I know she misses you everyday. I see the hint of sadness behind her eyes and thank God everyday for her strength. I feel sorry for her occasionally, because when we all get married and leave the house, she will be so fucking alone. Forgive my use of words Dad, but none of this is easy on any of us. I'm not crying, My eyes itch. An eye lash must have fallen in. I've never been able to lie to you anyway. Every other person is doing great. Charlie got engaged in December and Henrie in January. Baby A has gone to the United States to pursue her USMLEA while Henrie left to do a masters in Scotland. Of course, we're always there for each other, closer than ever and yes we still argue. We're doing great things and sometimes we sit and reminisce about you. Looking at your picture makes me cry. I can't help it, the tears just roll down. Sometimes they come with a smile when i remember something you said or did and at other times its a heart wrenching sob from the depth of my soul. Then i have to hide from others because they look at me like I'm strong.

 Am i sniffing again? Thanks for the tissue Dad. My tissue is the memory of you instilled forever in my heart and memory. My tissue being that i know you're safe and well. My tissue being that there's a piece of you in each of us. Nigeria is slowly going crazy but i bet even you can see all that. Boko Haram and all sorts of other threats to the security and stability of the country. Yes, but we still pray and pray for better leaders and a better tomorrow. Hahahaha...ok, I promise that the next time we have a conversation, I'll tell you about 'the wonderful man' in my life. You know I miss you right? We all do. You liked the song Timi Dakolo and Rilwan did for you? Cry for you? Wow! I'll be sure to tell them. No, i hardly ever listen to it. Somehow i think you know why father. The words are too painful and sorrowful. You have to go now to pray and intercede on our behalf? Does it really work that way? We pray for you all the time sha. Our very own angel. I promise I'll see you someday in the afterlife.......but not yet.

It seems kinda strange the promises human beings make to each other. Our parents assure us that they will be there to protect us and then something stupid like cancer takes one of them away. Our friends consistently sound it in our ears that they have our back, but then something lame like an argument or greed and envy destroys that friendship and where does that leave us? We go through each day hearing about the failures, problems, death, diseases, shame and hurt of others, but how many of us really slow down to think of the consequences or the fact that it could have been any one of us in those shoes? How many of us really take time to appreciate our parents and siblings or the goodness we find in the people around us? The food, the shelter, the good health, the job, the okada or the car or even the money to enter public transport? Just stop for a minute and think about it.

Orieji

"We can see a thousand Miracles around us everyday. What is more supernatural than egg yolk turning into a chicken?"

I woke up naked and covered in sand. My body hurt all over like i had run to the next village which was  three hours away. Marks marred my skin like i had battled a wild animal. The early morning sun was just teasing the sky with its appearance. I looked around me, feeling disoriented. My head hurt in a million places. How did i get there? Where were my clothes? I tried to stand and fell flat on my butt. I yelped in pain, gave it another minute and tried again. It took some effort but i was on my feet, eyes scanning around for any signs of trouble. I felt nauseous and bent over to puke out my dinner from the night before.

My body felt strange. I could still smell the river from my position. The sound of insects was like music to my hears. I understood the language of the squirrel calling its mate to join him in the hunt for nuts. I looked around once more. Somehow a part of me knew i was the only person around, so i started walking. Wait! I knew this place like the back of my hand. How many times had i come to this forest to escape the abuse and nsogbu of my chauvinistic step father? Chauvinistic, a word we learned at the missionary school. I cradled it to my thoughts like a new born child. I loved to learn new words.

I found my clothes by the pathway. The wind must have carried them there. It was a mess, so i tied my wrapper and picked up some speed. Sunrise was a beautiful thing to behold and one of my favourite times of the day but i had no time for that now. I had to get home before anyone noticed my absence. I inhaled the morning air, and my body relaxed a bit. The soil under my feet felt alive, almost as if it was moving with me. My body was lighter and before i knew it i was running. A cock crowed to my left in greeting. I felt free and laughed at the sound of the breeze in my ears. I slowed as i neared home. Ochoniro the palm wine tapper was already on his way to tap. He greeted me with a smile as i passed. He was a quiet one, that one. The villagers said he was possessed, yet they rushed to buy out his palm wine day after day. I snorted as i entered our compound, slowing creeping into the room i shared with my step sister and lay on my mat. She was asleep, snoring like one of Mama Ekwi's pigs. I stifled a chuckle as the memories of the night before came rushing back.

The Day Before

I felt rage like no other when he hit me a second time. How many times did he have to tell me that my biological father was a no-good-drunk who left my mother and I when we needed him the most. Tweh, I spat at his feet. Gini ka-ima? What do you know about my father? He would have eaten you for lunch for laying a hand on me. He sneered and laughed. Really? Where is he now then? Why can't he come and save you he said as he backhanded me. I fell to the floor and tasted copper. My lips were bleeding. I heard someone come into the room and when i looked up i saw my mother. She looked furious. Ebitu, what has she done this time? And how many times have i warned you never to lay a hand on my daughter? He looked at me incredulous and smiled. It was scary, evil even and i shivered. He walked away and my mom helped me to my feet. He loved her, which was why i never did anything. Orieji, she began, you must try not to let him upset you so much. There's great power in you my child, and i fear for those you mark as enemies. I wanted to look her in the eyes and tell her that i saw my father everyday. But my promise of secrecy to him wouldn't let me betray that. Instead i hugged her and went in search of my calabash. I needed the river to clear my head. The smell of cassava being washed and soaked to infiltrate my nostrils.

How long i stayed there i don't remember, but it was past sunset when i got up to leave for home. As i walked the pathway, i heard the rustle of leaves and tasted fear. I wasn't alone, which became evident as  a whistle began and something hit me from the back causing me to stumble. A hand covered my scream and my body was lifted from the ground. I began to fight but it was no use. They gripped me tighter and something hit my head hard. They walked some distance. Then just like that they let me go and i fell with a thud. I opened my eyes and saw five men, strangers, probably from out of town. One of them was already stripping and the others moved to pin me down. I screamed and a slap split my lip, Two of them held my feet and the other two held unto my hands.

I begged for mercy but the naked one just licked his lips as he approached and ripped off my clothes. Then he bit into my breasts and i cried out in pain, his fingers sticking into my private parts. I began to whimper and move only to have him stuff pieces of my clothes in my mouth. He bent to lick my breasts again and i closed my eyes. Out of my heart began a rhythm and in my head, voices began to speak in tongues i couldn't understand, yet sounded familiar. Me na mimo kaleshi, Adastra rebo mistu. Kobana ewolu, bia, bia,bia. Nuo olum, bia, bia, nyem ike, nyem oku, nyem aka. The voices in my head rose to a fevered pitch and i snapped my eyes open, focused on the leader. I stopped jerking and when he looked at me, the blood left his face and he began to choke. The forest grew loud with the sound of insects and animals. The trees looked like they were dancing. The whole forest was a riot. The others let go of me in confusion. I stood and continued to murmur. Instincts made me clap thrice and bright lights surrounded me. The naked one fell down dead. The others tried to move, but roots quickly wrapped around their legs and pinned them down. I knew the moment my Father burst out in his animal form and tore into one of them. Yet i continued singing and chanting. I walked slowly to where the one who slapped me was held. I spat on my hand and rubbed them in his eyes, causing him blindness as sores spread over his body and burst. Even as he fell, the soil opened up and covered him. The night became cold and i felt death. Their death.

I tasted the fear of the other two, and saw shock in their eyes. My body radiated light like no other and the sand kicked up a storm. There was movement behind me and when my senses spread that way, i discovered more beings like my Father. It seemed as if they awaited some sort of signal from me. So, I raised my hands to the heaven and they descended on the remaining two. The heavens rumbled with thunder and the sound was like music to me. These mortals dared to defile the daughter of Onweala, the god of the forest. There was magic in the air. It was beautiful but all too much for me to take in. I wanted to close my eyes, but my body was no longer mine to control. The others being eaten alive screamed and begged for mercy but my father had never been a forgiving one, and as the last of them went to their death, i fainted.

Fragile Things

"In a perfect world, you could fuck people without giving them a piece of your heart. And every glittering kiss and every touch of flesh is another shard of heart you'll never see again". Neil Gaiman, Fragile Things

I am amused. So fucking amused i could take a knife and start to slash off male genitals. So amused i could go on a killing rampage and murder every single guy on the face of the earth, then proceed to soak their bodies in acid so that there are no traces of them left. That is how amused i am right now and this post is from my heart-my fucking heart. I've kept it in for so long but i know its time i just let this thing out. This thing that has kept my chest so squeezed tight that i could hardly breathe. This feeling of shame, pain, betrayal and anger. Yes, I am certainly amused. Can you not tell?

I tried. God knows i tried to have a no-relationship-sex. Everyone was doing it and didn't have to clean out cobwebs. So i thought, it can't be all that bad now can it? But it was just a thought. Deep inside me i knew i could never be one of those people. Oh how i envied them. They were horny, they had sex. Shikina. No complications. No stories. And then you had to come and fuck it all up. I was minding my own damn business before you brought your retarded friend into my life. Not once did you tell me not to get involved with this dude. Do you know what it means to call someone your friend? That means you don't set things in motion that you know might end up hurting them. No, You don't do that.

He wasn't good looking, skinny as fuck if i may add, but there was an attraction. The kind that grows when you see the same face everyday for months. Thinking about it now, I wonder what i saw in him. His dress sense was weird and childish, and he couldn't dance to save his life. But what did that matter at that time. I started liking him and the first time we kissed wasn't bad. All he ever talked about was how he wanted to get married because he was lonely. I didn't wanna hear that. I was horny, and needed to convince my conscience that it was okay to engage in this immoral behaviour already being acted out by my brain.

I wanted sex. I didn't wanna be in a fucking relationship. I didn't want affection. I didn't ask for coupling and i sure as hell didn't ask for love. LOVE. oh my days!!! How did it come to that? You tried to repair me. I'd been hurt in the past and you wanted me to believe that it was okay to trust again. You were gentle with me. Smiling all the time. I remember telling you that i may have to call Katt Williams to help me figure out what it was about me that kept attracting 'aint shit' niggers. Katt fucking Williams. You laughed. Said i was being silly. Feigned being offended at being labeled an aint shit nigga. But Lord in heaven, how was i to know that you had won an Oscars three times in a row for best actor in a life series. No one told me. You were that good at lying. Smooth, like a strawberry milkshake.

So we started dating. Or at least i thought we were. Wasn't that what you always wanted anyway? A relationship. You convinced me it was better than being fuck buddies. I felt suffocated. Like i was being tricked into doing something. Let yourself go Phury. Learn to appreciate those who care about you. Open up yourself to love again. I promise I won't break your heart. Its you i wanna be with. How many times had i heard that in the past? They always left-but yet-here you were promising me the moon and the stars. So i fell in love with you. I fell hard. I fell stupidly. And i fell whole heartedly in love with you. I thought about you when i woke up and when i ate. I wanted to hear your voice and BBM you all the time. Still I didn't. But i wanted to. When we made love it wasn't like in my dreams. It was awkward and i talked a lot. Strange. I never talk during sex. But it was a new experience. How many long walks did we take? How many times did you read a Christine Feehan book to me? Didn't you go to church with me most Sundays, even when you knew i preferred the 6am mass? It was bliss.

They say there was a glow to my face even tho my siblings couldn't understand what i saw in you. No one could. I didn't care. I was happy. The world felt good. Then just like that you vanished. I didn't hear from you in over a month? I'm in shock and my heart beats fast every time, robbing me of breath. I don't delete you from my BBM even though it hurts to see your notifications. My friends come over to visit and your name crops up. You are seeing someone they say. As in you have a damn girlfriend. There are pictures to prove it. Trips to Dubai and Singapore. Her head on your chest while you lie by the pool side. Places you said we would visit. Things we should have done. I start to laugh hysterically. Are you insane? Why did you have to come into my life and make all those promises of love? Promises that all the others before you made. 

Two days later you call me like nothing happened. Then you come to see me. Would i like to have lunch? Sorry you haven't been in touch-You've just been going through the motions. Wow! I feel like a girl who was left at the altar. I'm hurt but i don't let it show. I begin to understand that i have a big stupid sign on my forehead. I tell you I'm busy with a lot of things. I try to smile, ask you about work and your sister. Its almost 7pm and i tell you i have to go jogging. You wanna wait for me like you usually do. But usually don't cut it no more. I ask you to leave. But you wanna know what's wrong. I've been acting weird since you got here. I smile. Do you have a girlfriend? You gasp:yes you say, but she's staring at me at the moment. I'm too tired to get upset or throw a tantrum. I show you the pictures of the trip you took the month I didn't hear from you. I can see the battle on your face to come up with some explanation. Let yourself out i say, as i pull my earphones over my head. As i jog out into the street, Snow Patrol's chasing cars plays through my music player, and that's when I allow the tears come. It hurts that i loved you. I cry from my heart at how stupid i've been. My soul feels burdened by pain. My body feels like lead.

Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life... You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should just be friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. Its a soul hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love. I really fucking hate it. Neil Gaiman, The Sandman, Vol.9: The Kindly Ones