Thursday, September 5, 2013

No One Understands

"Fairy tales are more than true: not because they tell us that dragons exist, but because they tell us that dragons can be beaten." Neil Gaiman,Coraline.

 Its three o'clock in the morning and i cannot fucking sleep. I'm so tired and i'm just praying it all goes away. But it doesn't, it hasn't and i fear that it wouldn't. Everything is as it should be. The world moves around me, my mind impervious to it. It moves around me, oblivious to my pain and breaking mind. My mind the only thing that keeps me sane, now about to drown in some abyss just like the rest of me. My willpower, my beliefs, my faith. Lord! My faith!!! Where did it all go wrong? When did this start? What is this feeling that creeps into my chest like the cold hands of death?

I cannot breathe. I'm having another panic attack. I've tried to talk to someone, no fuck that, i've spoken to a few people. But no one seems to get it. How can they? How do you understand something that baffles you? How can they understand something that even i don't understand? Something i cannot put into words? How do i explain what i'm going through to the ones i love without scaring them? How do i make them see that i'm not as strong as they think I am? How do i make them realise that I'm now broken, like a china doll, lying in bits and pieces at some dark corner of my mind.

Who is this i see when i look at the mirror everyday? Who is this that reminds me of someone i knew years ago? What is this nervousness i feel, breathless and ashamed to look further? I see something that leaves me very weak and disgusted. How did i come to be this person? What sad events in my life have led me to this strange place? How do you begin to fight a hollowness in your soul? How do you fill that void? I cross my hand over my chest as the tears start to fall, fearful of the sound, I bury my head in my pillow. Tempting. Perhaps it'll suffocate me to death and free me of this feeling. If I slit my wrists, how soon before my life ebbs away? Would I then be free of this agony? No? Perhaps if I swallowed all the contents of my advil box I'd see God. Would he let me have just one conversation before escorting me to the pits of hell? Is he going to understand that there is something seriously wrong with me? Would i be forgiven?

Why do i feel this way? What has gotten into me lately? I might be possessed by Belzeebub. My body his instrument of sadness and inhumanity, soul gone, feelings repressed and eyes like that of a dead fish. There is simply no joy in my life anymore, no happiness, no pain. Nothing. I've become an empty shell, not willing to hang out with my friends or family. Not wanting to do anything anymore. Most people would kill for my life, my job. What do you do when the things that used to bring you so much joy only bring you emptiness? Is there a National helpline for people in my condition? How do you deal with waking up screaming in panic at four o'clock in the morning? Pushing away that special one who wants to be there for you? Wanting to hurt them just so they feel a semblance of what you're going through? Hating them for trying to bring some light into your life. For being caring and sweet. Wanting to crush that joy and wipe the fucking smile off their beautiful faces. So jealous of them for being in a good place that it robs you of breath.

Neil Gaiman perfectly explains it: "In every way that counted, I was dead. Inside somewhere maybe I was screaming and weeping and howling like an animal, but that was another person deep inside, another person who had no access to the lips and face and mouth and head, so on the surface I just shrugged and smile and kept moving. If i could have physically passed away, just let it all go, like that, without doing anything, stepped out of life easily as walking through a door I would have done. But I was going to sleep at night and waking in the morning, disappointed to be there and resigned to existence".

Who do you talk to when you can finally put the way you feel into words? I am ashamed and i know that i shouldn't be. I'm lonely as I've always been. Lonely because no one knows. No one understands.










Friday, July 12, 2013

Loose



I am on, switched on, a sudden clearness and clarity. Hidden away in every locked toilet, I’ve been waiting for you in the joinder’s arms
For the record, we are not obliged to tell people that we love them. As a matter of fact I think it’s a plus if we don’t. That way when we decide to walk away, phrases like “I thought you said you loved me” will never crop up. The moment we utter those three words, we must be prepared to face the consequences because telling someone you love them is like saying you would feel overwhelmingly lost without them or that you accept them amidst their faults.

Take a minute to think about this; in your life you search for the right person for you. Most times we tend to be in despair when people we love or think we love leave us but the truth is that it shouldn’t make us bitter or cynical about love, but rather it should show us that if we wanted so badly to be with the wrong person, how beautiful it will be when the right one came along. But therein lies the problem-how do we know when the right person comes? How do we identify that person? Is it a matter of sharing common interests? Having mutual respect for each other? Being there for each other or being devoted to each other? Does this make them the right person? Or is there a part of us that is supposed to tingle inside when the right person comes? Is there a mechanism that has been put into humans by God to trigger some sort of reaction? If there is, does this mean I’ve never met the right person?

 I'm lying in bed, still as a statue, my heart beating so fast i can hear it in the quiet of my room. My hands are sweaty and i'm feeling nervous like a woman about to have her first child. The lights are off and i'm surrounded by darkness. I'm scared shitless and confused. Two of the worst feelings in the world. Pondering what to do. My phones are on vibrate just incase he sends me a message and i'm asleep within this subconsious stillness. Its all nerve racking really. I promised myself long ago that i wouldn't feel this way again. But I'm excited in a twisted sort of way. A pessimistic part of me already knows this will end in pain. I'm lying still, scared that if i move i'll wake up from whatever this is.

My phone vibrates. Could it be him? Excitement washes over me like a bottle of cold Evian water in the middle of a desert. I'm tempted to look at the phone. Should I? What if it isn't him? Will i feel defeated and low? I should really check my phone but the rate at which my mind is processing other information over rides that impulse. What is happening to me? I'm acting like a virgin about to get her first bloody kiss. Shouldn't i have learned by now? Haven't i felt this way before? I've been through these motions before. I've walked this road a hundred times, repeatedly like dejavu, an old disc continously playing the same tune. Except this time its a tune that is my life. I can almost predict my next move. Whatever path i decide to take would be a path i've taken before. I know where it all ends. I know how this will end. Yet, i blot out these thoughts and as usual hope for the best.

'Hope'. The one thing that keeps me going. Hope that things will go right this time. Hope that it will be better than the last. Hope that the fire in me at the moment is fiercer than the mistakes in my past. It's amusing isn't it? I bet angels can't quite figure out mankind. We choose pain over happiness sometimes (even without knowing it).We're crazy, irrational, emotional beings. This is what makes us human but also our weakness. My phone vibrates again. This time the light flashes continously and i peer into the darkness, trying to read the light beams on the wall and decipher the caller's name from the reflections. These things keep me from looking directly at the phone. Am i over thinking things? 

My head is beginning to throb, a slow steady beat. My mind is telling me to just pick the damn phone and spare us the fucking suspense. Picking up this phone will start a new dance with a new man. Am i ready for a new dance? Is it time to let go? I reach for it... then drop it again. I need to think some more.


Thursday, January 17, 2013

Futility

Move him into the sun—
Gently its touch awoke him once,
At home, whispering of fields unsown.
Always it awoke him, even in France,
Until this morning and this snow.
If anything might rouse him now
The kind old sun will know. Futility. Wilfred Owen


"In "Futility", Wilfred Owen describes the grievances of losing a companion as well as the worthlessness of war. He provides a sorrowful and desperate tone throughout the poem, which takes place within the battlefields of France during World War I. The speaker is unidentified but is believed to be one of the soldiers mourning over the lifeless body of their associate" http://allpoetry.com/poem/8456361-Futility-by-Wilfred_Owen

What is it about the death of a loved one that makes us cry, angry, sad and hurt? Is it the fact that they are gone, or the circumstances surrounding their death? Is it the thought that we may never see them again? "May" in the sense that we know not if they ended up in Heaven, purgatory or hell, a reflection of the uncertainty of where we ourselves will end up. Was it the unresolved issues between us? The feeling that the bread winner/only living relative/closest relative is gone? Is it the thought that it could have been any one of us that makes us weep? What exactly is it that saddens us and in most cases drive us to curse the heavens and turn from God? Is it simply the fact that after all the praying, fasting and meditations, they still died? Or is it the ache and emptiness lying deep in our hearts, the heaviness weighing on our chest and the feeling that we are about to go into deep depression?

Who will console you? Your siblings who are sharing the same grief with you? Your partner who wants to be there for you but doesn't know how? Your friends who will say "I understand" what you're going through even though they've never lost a loved one. Or the countless messages on facebook, twitter, gmail etc with acquaintances asking you how that loved one died, telling you to call them, asking if you're okay and do you need someone to talk to? How many of them understand what you're going through? How many have walked this same path, have been in these same shoes? Better still, how many have lost a loved one that they actually 'loved'?

Life sucks. Broken promises. Vows of growing up together and raising kids to your old age, snuffed out just like that. One fucking idiot decides he needs money, probably for some crack,weed or impress some girl, and shoots a doctor in the head in traffic. Another fool rapes a young girl and feels that its not enough pain for her, he stabs her to death, not giving a fuck. Not caring that there are people who would miss her. People who rely on her. A nurse, desperate to meet up with her lover negligently turns off the oxygen of a cancer patient, on life support because his body was too frail for the Chemo treatments, and leaves him to die. A drunk trailer driver who's speeding as it rains heavily on the expressway tries to avoid a ditch at the last minute and loses control of his freaking truck. The container falls over and lands on a bus being driven by a pregnant woman expecting her first child after 8 years of marriage. She's still alive, but no one to rescue her. Who's gonna pull off a 40foot container? With what? In this Nigeria? They watch and hear her screams of help and pain for hours, helpless to do anything, even as both cars catch fire and she's burnt to death. Yes, these are true stories and it could have been anyone.

What do you say to their families? How do you begin to understand the depravity of your fellow man? Isn't being there for them all that matters? Just your presence? No questions as to how they died? But how do you do that? With all your education and PHD's, how do you console a friend who has lost a loved one. It takes patience, cos there are times you wanna say stuff like "Well, fuck off. You aint the first to lose a loved one and you won't be the last". Other times our human nature kicks in and you're curious as to how they died. What does it matter in the end though, I ask? What would that piece of information do for you? Losing your loved one does not necessarily mean you know what the next person is going through. We all grieve and handle pain differently. It simply means you have an idea and understand the situation they're in.

Its all futility isn't it? I mean, we're born and told that the world is ours. Go out and conquer they say. The sky is your limit they keep repeating. So armed with that knowledge, we go into the world and try to do our best. We make money, we get married, we have kids and one stupid thing happens and just like that death. All that hard work, all that suffering, all those followers on twitter... gone just like that. Whilst the rest of us are left behind to pick up the pieces. Some worse than the others when things like the secret life of the dead person start to manifest. I listen to Didos 'See the Sun Again'. She sings "You can wear anything as long as it's not black. Please don't mourn forever. They're not coming back. And you probably don't want to hear tomorrow's another day. Well I promise you you'll see the sun again. And you're asking me why pain's the only way to happiness. And I promise you you'll see the sun again. Do you remember telling me you found the sweetest thing of all. You said one day of this was worth dying for. So be thankful you knew her at all. But it's no more"
 
Peace and love to everyone who is hurting. May your departed find peace with God. xxx