Awake, My Soul...

You get emotionally broken at times and you swear that would be your last. But someone comes along who reminds you of what happiness may actually feel like again. You defy the odds and believe fate has finally reached out to you. A moment, an hour, a day passes but history repeats itself and you’re back to square one wondering how you got so stupid and caught up once again in lies, a beautiful face and deceit. Life is never so straight forward is it? 

So now you begin to suspect the problem might lie with you. You begin to ask yourself questions and doubt the only person who has protected you from the worst of it and helped you mend every single time; YOU. You berate yourself for always picking up the pieces and walking tall. Why must you be so bloody tough? What the fuck are all these high walls for? There’s no sunlight creeping in, only darkness and moist. Child, we need to let in the sunlight, stop swimming in darkness and getting hurt by the reefs. Smile more, laugh more, leave your room more and be different from who you are now. READING TOO MANY BOOKS STOPS YOU FROM LEADING A NORMAL LIFE. But it’s crazy, this is all you've ever known. This is what has made you different. Having zero social skills never translated to being a bad person. Its not like you hit a bus full of Nuns while driving a stolen car on your way to selling drugs to school children. You try to remember what circumstances occurred in your life to build such a strong brick wall around yourself. 

You’re second guessing your mentality. You’re a strong woman but that doesn't seem to be working. Death has left a really huge part of you broken somewhat and you do not know how to begin to fix it. You’re quite happy the way you are, but a lot of people see you as damaged and a bit crazy. They become weary of you because they cannot understand you. They think you’re weird and complicated. But that’s alright…

He walks into your life like a ray of sunlight, the shape of sound high in the evergreens, smiling and happy. So happy you want to punch him in his beautiful face. No one should be that happy. But his warmth surrounds you and you hate it because you don’t understand it. You’re hurting but he can’t see that. You won't let him in because you’re scared of being hurt again, of people knowing that you are actually capable of a great deal of emotion. You want to be loved though. You’re actually dying slowly to be loved for once in your life. But no one must know that. Love hurts anyway. Love means giving someone the power to destroy you but trusting them not to. Why would you want to subject yourself to such an emotion? Do you really want someone to turn your life around and share things with that you've never told another soul? Will you ever be comfortable enough with someone to cry in front of them or make a fool of yourself without feeling embarrassed? Is there a guy out there who will never hurt your feelings intentionally or make you feel like you’re not good enough, but rather help you break these walls and show you things about you that make you special and beautiful? Someone who only exudes calmness when they are around and you’re not worried about what they think of you because they love you for who you are?  Maybe... but at the moment the tough exterior suits you just fine. You understand you and that’s all that matters. One day, the walls will come down for the right person you tell yourself. One day...

But the walls never come down. Not even when you're alone. Not even when you're asleep. Not even when you're dead.