Tuesday, May 1, 2012

The Shit Hole.

First of all, my unlimited respect, value and salutation to all and their personal opinions.

I hate anal sex. I hate what it stands for, I hate the thought of it and I hate the practice of it. No fuck that, I’m scared shitless of anal sex. Have I ever had anal sex? NO! But I’ve had an anal experience that has put me off the whole thing for LIFE. I would dispense that story as you read on.

I find the very thought of it selfish and a tad bit degrading. Selfish because I really doubt anyone but the guy attains sexual pleasure from it. Research has shown that the walls of the anus are so tight that the rectum practically sucks up the penis like a vacuum which must be a truly great experience for the guy. So he cums and that ends that? Where’s the pleasure for the woman? Even if you decide to maybe stroke her clitoris while you analyse her, she would probably be too worried and tensed to reach an orgasm. We’re not even talking about the germs in the anus that can cause all kinds of infections. First of all, the anus must be lubricated to avoid pain and discomfort. The wall of the rectum is very thin and permeable that the man must go really gently so as to avoid tear or cause internal bleeding which may or may not be repairable. The chick is also likely to end up with permanent damage to her bowel movement. There are also those guys who don’t use condoms and cum in the butt. Do you know that semen mixed with contents of the rectum can make her really sick? What then is the point of mind altering sex if I can’t be relaxed or ask my partner to go fast when I’m on the throes of pleasure? Talking about one must not poopoo at least two hours before anal, must take a shower and use a douche to scent that place incase he wants to lick it. Like WTF!!! How many guys do you know will go down and lick an anus or put their fingers in one? Don’t worry-I’ll wait. Then again ladies, maybe your first rule to those anxious guys should be you can’t poke it unless you’re willing to lick it first.

Think about it for a minute though. The rectum was not designed to have things go in; only out. The vagina stretches to let in a penis and let out a child, but the anus does not. Hence regular use of it for sex will cause it to lose its elasticity and you may need to start wearing diapers or get stitched up. We women are so conscious of our bodies that it sometimes leads to nervousness during normal intercourse. Now, imagine if it was anal sex-she will probably be having thoughts like I just pooed isn’t my hole smelling, what if he puts his fingers there and it comes out with shit? I mean, why would any girl in her right mind be naked and allow a man’s penis enter there? I would personally be mortified. The smell, the germs, the bacteria-a huge fucking turn off. It would feel so sick, twisted and perverted. My friend Owolabi says "I agree that with some men it is a taboo and I’m sure that guys like me enjoy it more because we feel we are taking something that is not freely given. I think if it was in my case, when a chick says, ‘yeah, do me in the butt anytime you want, I love it and blah blah blah’, guys wouldn’t want it that much. I think deep down it’s the control factor and when the control is gone, the need is gone as well. I remember during NYSC, this chick said she didn’t like it but did it with two nice guys and at the time couldn’t sit for over a week. Two “nice” guys? If you don’t like it, why are you doing it? No wonder you can’t sit."

Okay, so my own meandering experience goes thus. I had a running stomach for almost 3weeks in March last year and after several urine, blood and stool tests which all proved negative, I decided to see a doctor about it. Biggest mistake of my life. I get there and he asks me the usual questions. Do you have rashes, swelling or blood around your butt? To which I reply in the negative. My mom insisted on going with me there to make me feel all comfy and stop the doctor from having any weird ideas. But I think she was really worried. Then he asks me to push up my dress, take off my panties and lie down on my side so he can check for swelling or blood. I’m like huh? Dude I just fucking told you I had none of that. I hesitate further when I see him putting on gloves and I’m like errrr… do you plan on sticking your fingers up my butt? He smiled and said I should just lie down and relax. I do so and as he sticks his finger up and around my butt to check for hemorrhoids and crap, I cringe in pain. It feels like three hours when its finally over but it was just about 45 seconds. He says there’s a little swelling but he needs to take a closer look. Now I’m even more confused than a blind lesbian in a fish shop. A closer look how? Do I have to pull my butt cheeks apart so you can peer inside? This man actually laughs. He goes over to some locker and brings out a periscope the size of a three month old puppy. I shit you not. It looked like the spaceship in ET. I thought to myself-there is no fucking way that 3month old puppy is going to fit in my ass. He laughs again and says ‘that is because this part does not go up there’. This guy is deranged I tell you. Like he’s enjoying my discomfort in a sick way. Out of the alien he pulls out this penis looking thing and says ‘this does’. He rubs some ky jelly and explains to my mom that it is to make it glide in easier… and that’s when I freak out. Fuck No! Fuck No!!! you’re not going to sodomise me with that shit. I don’t care what you think. Fuck that. My mom tells me I’m acting like a baby. I look at her like are you going to sit there and let them analise your daughter? She calls my sister, a doctor, who tells me I have to do it just to be sure I haven’t gotten internal bleeding and what not from the constant stooling. How is that even possible? People shit all the damn time. 

I’m so pissed off when I lie down. I squeeze my butt so tight and start reciting psalm23. The KY jelly obviously doesn’t work. How can it? The thing he’s trying to shove inside me is like 6inches, but my butt is squeezed so tight that only about two inches go in before I start uttering profanities. At the end, It was weird, painful and hurt like a muthafucker. Plus the doctor didn’t find anything. I wanted to slam his head on the wall. My butt felt violated and he gave me some medication and anusol. Getting fucked in the butt by a fucking microscope is not something I would ever want to relieve ever again- and one stupid guy will now tell me to open my butt for him to go in? The male gspot is located in the anus right? How about if I anal-ysed you instead? No? Yeah.. I didn’t think so.

Anal sex isn’t just for the sexually daring anymore, but don’t let that fool you. If you enjoy doing it then by all means carry on. But if you hate it and you’re doing it just to please your man-then you need to consider whether he truly respects and likes you. Backdoor play is a different beast altogether.

PS: Turns out the stooling was due to some chinese tea I had been drnking. All that pain for nothing.

Thursday, March 1, 2012

A Rhetorical Conversation

When we hold each other, in the darkness, it doesn't make the darkness go away. The bad things are still out there. The nightmares still walking. When we hold each other we feel not safe, but better. "It's all right" we whisper, "I'm here, I love you." and we lie: "I'll never leave you." For just a moment or two the darkness doesn't seem so bad.
Neil Gaiman:Midnight Days

Hey Dad, sorry we haven't spoken in a while. I've been so caught up trying to live my life and chase money, that I've forgotten to take the time to remember you. You  who gave up everything for me. Sad, I know. Sometimes i feel that I'd go to work and come back to see you sitting in the second parlor surrounded by visitors. Your police uniform shining with that smile of yours. A smile i apparently inherited. I'm really sorry Dad, but I'm here now so let's talk.

How are you doing? Do you have a special cook catering to your meals there? You always did like your pounded yam and ground rice. You only allowed mom cook for you, so i wonder how you're coping now. It must really be hard. The Police force is still the same. MD Abubakar is now IGP. You always did say he was a good police officer. Oh me? There's nothing to say about me. I'm still confused about what i want to do with my life. I've grown tired of law, even though i love it so much. I feel like its time i tried something different. No, I don't have a new boyfriend. Hahahahahaha, I know I'm getting old Dad but there seems to be no honest guys out there. I promise I'm not being picky either.

Mom? *sigh*. What can i say under the circumstances. Mom is doing well. I know she misses you everyday. I see the hint of sadness behind her eyes and thank God everyday for her strength. I feel sorry for her occasionally, because when we all get married and leave the house, she will be so fucking alone. Forgive my use of words Dad, but none of this is easy on any of us. I'm not crying, My eyes itch. An eye lash must have fallen in. I've never been able to lie to you anyway. Every other person is doing great. Charlie got engaged in December and Henrie in January. Baby A has gone to the United States to pursue her USMLEA while Henrie left to do a masters in Scotland. Of course, we're always there for each other, closer than ever and yes we still argue. We're doing great things and sometimes we sit and reminisce about you. Looking at your picture makes me cry. I can't help it, the tears just roll down. Sometimes they come with a smile when i remember something you said or did and at other times its a heart wrenching sob from the depth of my soul. Then i have to hide from others because they look at me like I'm strong.

 Am i sniffing again? Thanks for the tissue Dad. My tissue is the memory of you instilled forever in my heart and memory. My tissue being that i know you're safe and well. My tissue being that there's a piece of you in each of us. Nigeria is slowly going crazy but i bet even you can see all that. Boko Haram and all sorts of other threats to the security and stability of the country. Yes, but we still pray and pray for better leaders and a better tomorrow. Hahahaha...ok, I promise that the next time we have a conversation, I'll tell you about 'the wonderful man' in my life. You know I miss you right? We all do. You liked the song Timi Dakolo and Rilwan did for you? Cry for you? Wow! I'll be sure to tell them. No, i hardly ever listen to it. Somehow i think you know why father. The words are too painful and sorrowful. You have to go now to pray and intercede on our behalf? Does it really work that way? We pray for you all the time sha. Our very own angel. I promise I'll see you someday in the afterlife.......but not yet.

It seems kinda strange the promises human beings make to each other. Our parents assure us that they will be there to protect us and then something stupid like cancer takes one of them away. Our friends consistently sound it in our ears that they have our back, but then something lame like an argument or greed and envy destroys that friendship and where does that leave us? We go through each day hearing about the failures, problems, death, diseases, shame and hurt of others, but how many of us really slow down to think of the consequences or the fact that it could have been any one of us in those shoes? How many of us really take time to appreciate our parents and siblings or the goodness we find in the people around us? The food, the shelter, the good health, the job, the okada or the car or even the money to enter public transport? Just stop for a minute and think about it.

Wednesday, February 8, 2012


"We can see a thousand Miracles around us everyday. What is more supernatural than egg yolk turning into a chicken?"

I woke up naked and covered in sand. My body hurt all over like i had run to the next village which was  three hours away. Marks marred my skin like i had battled a wild animal. The early morning sun was just teasing the sky with its appearance. I looked around me, feeling disoriented. My head hurt in a million places. How did i get there? Where were my clothes? I tried to stand and fell flat on my butt. I yelped in pain, gave it another minute and tried again. It took some effort but i was on my feet, eyes scanning around for any signs of trouble. I felt nauseous and bent over to puke out my dinner from the night before.

My body felt strange. I could still smell the river from my position. The sound of insects was like music to my hears. I understood the language of the squirrel calling its mate to join him in the hunt for nuts. I looked around once more. Somehow a part of me knew i was the only person around, so i started walking. Wait! I knew this place like the back of my hand. How many times had i come to this forest to escape the abuse and nsogbu of my chauvinistic step father? Chauvinistic, a word we learned at the missionary school. I cradled it to my thoughts like a new born child. I loved to learn new words.

I found my clothes by the pathway. The wind must have carried them there. It was a mess, so i tied my wrapper and picked up some speed. Sunrise was a beautiful thing to behold and one of my favourite times of the day but i had no time for that now. I had to get home before anyone noticed my absence. I inhaled the morning air, and my body relaxed a bit. The soil under my feet felt alive, almost as if it was moving with me. My body was lighter and before i knew it i was running. A cock crowed to my left in greeting. I felt free and laughed at the sound of the breeze in my ears. I slowed as i neared home. Ochoniro the palm wine tapper was already on his way to tap. He greeted me with a smile as i passed. He was a quiet one, that one. The villagers said he was possessed, yet they rushed to buy out his palm wine day after day. I snorted as i entered our compound, slowing creeping into the room i shared with my step sister and lay on my mat. She was asleep, snoring like one of Mama Ekwi's pigs. I stifled a chuckle as the memories of the night before came rushing back.

The Day Before

I felt rage like no other when he hit me a second time. How many times did he have to tell me that my biological father was a no-good-drunk who left my mother and I when we needed him the most. Tweh, I spat at his feet. Gini ka-ima? What do you know about my father? He would have eaten you for lunch for laying a hand on me. He sneered and laughed. Really? Where is he now then? Why can't he come and save you he said as he backhanded me. I fell to the floor and tasted copper. My lips were bleeding. I heard someone come into the room and when i looked up i saw my mother. She looked furious. Ebitu, what has she done this time? And how many times have i warned you never to lay a hand on my daughter? He looked at me incredulous and smiled. It was scary, evil even and i shivered. He walked away and my mom helped me to my feet. He loved her, which was why i never did anything. Orieji, she began, you must try not to let him upset you so much. There's great power in you my child, and i fear for those you mark as enemies. I wanted to look her in the eyes and tell her that i saw my father everyday. But my promise of secrecy to him wouldn't let me betray that. Instead i hugged her and went in search of my calabash. I needed the river to clear my head. The smell of cassava being washed and soaked to infiltrate my nostrils.

How long i stayed there i don't remember, but it was past sunset when i got up to leave for home. As i walked the pathway, i heard the rustle of leaves and tasted fear. I wasn't alone, which became evident as  a whistle began and something hit me from the back causing me to stumble. A hand covered my scream and my body was lifted from the ground. I began to fight but it was no use. They gripped me tighter and something hit my head hard. They walked some distance. Then just like that they let me go and i fell with a thud. I opened my eyes and saw five men, strangers, probably from out of town. One of them was already stripping and the others moved to pin me down. I screamed and a slap split my lip, Two of them held my feet and the other two held unto my hands.

I begged for mercy but the naked one just licked his lips as he approached and ripped off my clothes. Then he bit into my breasts and i cried out in pain, his fingers sticking into my private parts. I began to whimper and move only to have him stuff pieces of my clothes in my mouth. He bent to lick my breasts again and i closed my eyes. Out of my heart began a rhythm and in my head, voices began to speak in tongues i couldn't understand, yet sounded familiar. Me na mimo kaleshi, Adastra rebo mistu. Kobana ewolu, bia, bia,bia. Nuo olum, bia, bia, nyem ike, nyem oku, nyem aka. The voices in my head rose to a fevered pitch and i snapped my eyes open, focused on the leader. I stopped jerking and when he looked at me, the blood left his face and he began to choke. The forest grew loud with the sound of insects and animals. The trees looked like they were dancing. The whole forest was a riot. The others let go of me in confusion. I stood and continued to murmur. Instincts made me clap thrice and bright lights surrounded me. The naked one fell down dead. The others tried to move, but roots quickly wrapped around their legs and pinned them down. I knew the moment my Father burst out in his animal form and tore into one of them. Yet i continued singing and chanting. I walked slowly to where the one who slapped me was held. I spat on my hand and rubbed them in his eyes, causing him blindness as sores spread over his body and burst. Even as he fell, the soil opened up and covered him. The night became cold and i felt death. Their death.

I tasted the fear of the other two, and saw shock in their eyes. My body radiated light like no other and the sand kicked up a storm. There was movement behind me and when my senses spread that way, i discovered more beings like my Father. It seemed as if they awaited some sort of signal from me. So, I raised my hands to the heaven and they descended on the remaining two. The heavens rumbled with thunder and the sound was like music to me. These mortals dared to defile the daughter of Onweala, the god of the forest. There was magic in the air. It was beautiful but all too much for me to take in. I wanted to close my eyes, but my body was no longer mine to control. The others being eaten alive screamed and begged for mercy but my father had never been a forgiving one, and as the last of them went to their death, i fainted.

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

That Same Horn

It is late Wednesday evening. Steeped in despair at the flight i was about to catch to Abuja, i walked slowly through the airport, unmindful of the people there. The drunks, the families traveling together, Stephanie Okereke and the endless parade of possible homosexuals and politicians. Occasionally i glanced at the faces of these strangers, a young couple in love, a group of teenagers laughing about a scary movie they saw last night. Hah! They had no idea what scary really was, but i could show them. What would they think?  What would they do if they knew what i really was? Would they recoil in horror and disgust, or stare at me in disbelief? I'm taking the 8:45pm Aero flight for the Xmas. I'm depressed. A depression that occured as soon as my PA called to tell me he could only get me a seat on Aero. Aero? That's pure undiluted depression right there.

My skin as usual is cold to the touch, but I'm used to that. My eyes however are large and bright, attracting looks from everyone as i walk past. My lips are full and inviting and my breasts feel heavy even as i look around the airport. I'm hungry and thirsty but the smell of food in the nearby coffee shop repulses me and i squeeze my face in disgust. How can they stand these things? I locate an empty seat between a fat man and a young woman. He's asleep and snoring softly like he's been that way for a bit. The girl smiles as i sit down. Her eyes take in my expensive clothing and i see her eyes sparkle. I can tell she's been around. Different scents of men linger all over her like a bad omen. I can smell the syphillis and i look away in disgust. Boarding announced.

I'm just walking to the boarding gate when I see him. He's tall and built, wearing a t-shirt that said 'not a booty call' and i can't take my eyes off him. My heart slams when his eyes meet mine and my stomach rumbles, electricity cackles between us and he looks surprised. I'm glad to know he's affected by the chemistry. I can already picture us writhing on silk sheets in our nudity. His arms are toned from pushing weights and his butt looks so delicious i wanna sink my teeth into them. He keeps glancing at me like we have met somewhere before.

I take my business class seat. My kind have immersed a fortune over the ages but my fee as a private investigator more than compensates for my lavish lifestyle. I was about to put my luggage into the overhead compartment when i felt his presence. He is my seat mate. I smile to myself but he looks nervous. Good. He had every reason to be. He was mine before he even saw me. His body belonged to me and i wet my lips in anticipation of our co-joining. I felt his sorrow like a slap as soon as he sat down next to me. I could read his thoughts. He had lost a loved one. But hadn't we all? I introduced myself and we got talking. His name is Abba.

The plane landed too soon. I was transfixed with this being like no other, and my surprise was visible when it turned out we were both guests at the Hilton. He took my phone number with a promise to call when he was settled in his room. I hoped to hear from him , but a part of me knew it was a bad idea. My conscience reminded me of the people i had hurt in the past. How many men had i truly loved i wondered. There were four in all my years on earth. The others i just took from and used to satisfy my thirst. They meant nothing. My phone rang as i got out of the bath. It was him, asking me to join him for dinner downstairs. I told him i would prefer dinner in his room. He didn't mind and gave me his room number. He asked me to give him an hour as he wanted to take a shower. I took time to apply lemon oil to my skin. The effect was a healthy glow, a lovely smell and the feeling of edibility. My lace lingerie from Style Rebirth was next and a silk frock from L'espace completed the look. My hypnotic poison was so arousing to my senses even as i applied heavy eye liner. My lip gloss was cherry flavoured with a tingy sweetness to it. I opened my door and walked towards the elevators.

As i took the elevators down, i could hear the voices of people all around. The husband beating his wife, the gay couple making out, the waiters teasing each other. I didn't try to close them out, i needed the distraction. The elevators opened for a group of young men. One whistled at  me and i could feel his desire rise like a rabid monster. I smiled. Men are such fickle creatures. The doors opened to Abba's floor and i followed the arrows to his room. I was 20 minutes early-intentionally-of course. I knocked on the door thrice and heard him yell something. But nothing could prepare me for the sight when he opened the door. He had only a towel around his waist. There was also an impressive tattoo of a panther running across his chest. We looked at each other and i don't remember who moved first.

I pulled off his towel as we kissed and i could feel his erection prodding my stomach. I died when he moaned and my skin began to crawl. I was on heat, so much so that the air became misty and little droplets of water began to fall. His eyes were glazed with desire and confusion when i pushed away from him, but his mouth fell open when i began to take off my clothes. My breasts felt heavy and my stomach rumbled. When we kissed again, my womb clenched and i pushed him to the bed and took him in my mouth. He grabbed a pillow as i licked him over, and over again. He turned me round to return the favour and i growled like a baby rotweiler. My body was stretching, i needed him so i pushed his face up and kissed him. I climbed on top and felt my legs shake as i rode him like it was my last day on earth. When his lips touched my nipples, i felt my body tense up so i grabbed both his hands and lay them on my butt. I rode him faster and bent down to taste the skin on his neck. So salty, pulse throbbing, ebbing with blood. It was hard to control the monster raging in me. My stomach rumbled again reminding me that i had not eaten all day. My eyes started to itch and redden, and my vagina walls began to close around his penis. He moaned louder and my fangs elongated. And as we both reached earth shattering orgasms, I bit into his neck and drank him dry. It is true what you have heard. My kind really does exist. I am Vampyre and i live amongst you.

 To @sheisboki, @khimmypossible, @iluvpinkblush and @RealistXX for the encouragement. This post is respectfully dedicated.