Tuesday, May 1, 2012

The Shit Hole.


First of all, my unlimited respect, value and salutation to all and their personal opinions.

I hate anal sex. I hate what it stands for, I hate the thought of it and I hate the practice of it. No fuck that, I’m scared shitless of anal sex. Have I ever had anal sex? NO! But I’ve had an anal experience that has put me off the whole thing for LIFE. I would dispense that story as you read on.

I find the very thought of it selfish and a tad bit degrading. Selfish because I really doubt anyone but the guy attains sexual pleasure from it. Research has shown that the walls of the anus are so tight that the rectum practically sucks up the penis like a vacuum which must be a truly great experience for the guy. So he cums and that ends that? Where’s the pleasure for the woman? Even if you decide to maybe stroke her clitoris while you analyse her, she would probably be too worried and tensed to reach an orgasm. We’re not even talking about the germs in the anus that can cause all kinds of infections. First of all, the anus must be lubricated to avoid pain and discomfort. The wall of the rectum is very thin and permeable that the man must go really gently so as to avoid tear or cause internal bleeding which may or may not be repairable. The chick is also likely to end up with permanent damage to her bowel movement. There are also those guys who don’t use condoms and cum in the butt. Do you know that semen mixed with contents of the rectum can make her really sick? What then is the point of mind altering sex if I can’t be relaxed or ask my partner to go fast when I’m on the throes of pleasure? Talking about one must not poopoo at least two hours before anal, must take a shower and use a douche to scent that place incase he wants to lick it. Like WTF!!! How many guys do you know will go down and lick an anus or put their fingers in one? Don’t worry-I’ll wait. Then again ladies, maybe your first rule to those anxious guys should be you can’t poke it unless you’re willing to lick it first.

Think about it for a minute though. The rectum was not designed to have things go in; only out. The vagina stretches to let in a penis and let out a child, but the anus does not. Hence regular use of it for sex will cause it to lose its elasticity and you may need to start wearing diapers or get stitched up. We women are so conscious of our bodies that it sometimes leads to nervousness during normal intercourse. Now, imagine if it was anal sex-she will probably be having thoughts like I just pooed isn’t my hole smelling, what if he puts his fingers there and it comes out with shit? I mean, why would any girl in her right mind be naked and allow a man’s penis enter there? I would personally be mortified. The smell, the germs, the bacteria-a huge fucking turn off. It would feel so sick, twisted and perverted. My friend Owolabi says "I agree that with some men it is a taboo and I’m sure that guys like me enjoy it more because we feel we are taking something that is not freely given. I think if it was in my case, when a chick says, ‘yeah, do me in the butt anytime you want, I love it and blah blah blah’, guys wouldn’t want it that much. I think deep down it’s the control factor and when the control is gone, the need is gone as well. I remember during NYSC, this chick said she didn’t like it but did it with two nice guys and at the time couldn’t sit for over a week. Two “nice” guys? If you don’t like it, why are you doing it? No wonder you can’t sit."

Okay, so my own meandering experience goes thus. I had a running stomach for almost 3weeks in March last year and after several urine, blood and stool tests which all proved negative, I decided to see a doctor about it. Biggest mistake of my life. I get there and he asks me the usual questions. Do you have rashes, swelling or blood around your butt? To which I reply in the negative. My mom insisted on going with me there to make me feel all comfy and stop the doctor from having any weird ideas. But I think she was really worried. Then he asks me to push up my dress, take off my panties and lie down on my side so he can check for swelling or blood. I’m like huh? Dude I just fucking told you I had none of that. I hesitate further when I see him putting on gloves and I’m like errrr… do you plan on sticking your fingers up my butt? He smiled and said I should just lie down and relax. I do so and as he sticks his finger up and around my butt to check for hemorrhoids and crap, I cringe in pain. It feels like three hours when its finally over but it was just about 45 seconds. He says there’s a little swelling but he needs to take a closer look. Now I’m even more confused than a blind lesbian in a fish shop. A closer look how? Do I have to pull my butt cheeks apart so you can peer inside? This man actually laughs. He goes over to some locker and brings out a periscope the size of a three month old puppy. I shit you not. It looked like the spaceship in ET. I thought to myself-there is no fucking way that 3month old puppy is going to fit in my ass. He laughs again and says ‘that is because this part does not go up there’. This guy is deranged I tell you. Like he’s enjoying my discomfort in a sick way. Out of the alien he pulls out this penis looking thing and says ‘this does’. He rubs some ky jelly and explains to my mom that it is to make it glide in easier… and that’s when I freak out. Fuck No! Fuck No!!! you’re not going to sodomise me with that shit. I don’t care what you think. Fuck that. My mom tells me I’m acting like a baby. I look at her like are you going to sit there and let them analise your daughter? She calls my sister, a doctor, who tells me I have to do it just to be sure I haven’t gotten internal bleeding and what not from the constant stooling. How is that even possible? People shit all the damn time. 

I’m so pissed off when I lie down. I squeeze my butt so tight and start reciting psalm23. The KY jelly obviously doesn’t work. How can it? The thing he’s trying to shove inside me is like 6inches, but my butt is squeezed so tight that only about two inches go in before I start uttering profanities. At the end, It was weird, painful and hurt like a muthafucker. Plus the doctor didn’t find anything. I wanted to slam his head on the wall. My butt felt violated and he gave me some medication and anusol. Getting fucked in the butt by a fucking microscope is not something I would ever want to relieve ever again- and one stupid guy will now tell me to open my butt for him to go in? The male gspot is located in the anus right? How about if I anal-ysed you instead? No? Yeah.. I didn’t think so.

Anal sex isn’t just for the sexually daring anymore, but don’t let that fool you. If you enjoy doing it then by all means carry on. But if you hate it and you’re doing it just to please your man-then you need to consider whether he truly respects and likes you. Backdoor play is a different beast altogether.

PS: Turns out the stooling was due to some chinese tea I had been drnking. All that pain for nothing.

33 comments:

Anonymous said...

Lol. Analyse. Hehehe. Beats me why some pple do it though.

Anonymous said...

Hahaha. Funny but a sad truth...I'll never understand why the vagina or mouth isn't enough! I love your blog.

MsNutella said...

I had no idea you write so darn well ma'am

juzheard said...

Lmao! Nice writeup tho... Excluding the vulgarity... Lol

Anonymous said...

This is funny, but it's also a little misleading. I am not for anal sex at all, but your facts about it are one-sided. There are women who DO enjoy it.

beforesheimplodes said...

MY THOUGHTS EXACTLY!

Like the thought is sooo...urgh! Its grimey and selfish. There are some girls that say its nice for them as well. I don't believe a word of it though.

When I was younger and having problems stooling a doctor had to put her WHOLE HAND in my ass hole...

Blank stare...

Anal is never EVER happening bruh

Anonymous said...

Relax and let the Dick go in.You would enjoy it if u weren't so stuck up and tight assed

Anonymous said...

I do have Anal sex once in a while but with my ex partner and I do enjoy it

Anonymous said...

Um, I dunno y d doc had 2 do a PR exam or proctoscopy for U as it was never indicated from d symptoms U described. Well 2 d topic @ hand, I hear 4 som chics it's (anal sex I mean) enjoyable, painful @ 1st but they eventually get 2 like it. I'm not one 4 anal sex but in the final analysis (no pun intended), it's ur opinion

Anonymous said...

If ur bf wants anal sex,he shuld find a man dat wldd yansh him! Only Insensitive fools wit gay tendencies dat wld 2 put their "so-called" girl friends thru dat kinda toture..and any girl dat agrees 2 it,to please a man,needs 2 get her anus and head examined!

omo boy said...

Omo men! E get sum kind sh*t u go sh*t 4 toilet sef,u go wan cry o!..talk more of a d**k dats big..even p***y dats meant 4 d**k,sum babes go still dey shout dey cry as I dey enter!

Anonymous said...

Name's Midas.
There are a thousand& one ways (prolly more) to experience sexual bliss. More ways to physically drain oneself of every iota of energy via mind-boggling orgasm after orgasm AFTER ORGASM. We can achieve this and keep it natural (no anal). Now i totally agree with madphury (nice post bdw) and i totally respect her decision not to engage in the unnaturäl act and i wish more ladies would take a stand against this injustice to women called anal sex. Guys out there should realise that at worst anal sex for a woman is unbelievably unpleasant and if all is done right (if she gets an enema, butt-plugs her anus, washes thoroughly, lubes her rectum and ur cock) SHE STILL WON'T FEEL ANYTHING! Sure, she might not feel pain but pleasure doesnt make it to the party either. Now what im describing is strictly anal sex with no clitoral stimulation. Yeah some pleasure can be felt if her clit gets touched ryt but if that's gonna be ur loophole why not focus on her clit alone (she's gonna love u more for it too). The truth is sodomy originates from a deep seated sadistic selfishness that has absolutely nothing to do with love. Back then only homosexual men found pleasure in it and only helpless female slaves suffered through it. She (the slave) probably had to act like she was enjoying it too so her wicked perverse master would climax and end it. No, anal sex is not for the adventurous mind.. Itz for the perverted mind. Show me a guy who argues for anal sex and i will show you someone who spends his time and money consuming worthless pornography. He probably believes W.W.E. is real too. Rubbish.

Anonymous said...

lol @ Midas' comment. Very spot on though. Anal is just wrong.

Anonymous said...

After reading Midas' comment i just threw my hands up laughing.. "..he probably believes in w.w.e. too".. Nice one Madphury and cool comment, Midas.. Lol @ w.w.e... Hehehehe
Anal sex is a no no for me.. It jst dsnt make sense.

Anonymous said...

Way to take your phobia and impose it on your self created science.
Since we're taking your experience at the doctor as expert analysis, do annual trips to the gyno count as pleasurable sexual experiences?" I mean it's the "right" hole and everything!

Anonymous said...

I had a similar experience, and. There were medical students in the room too... I have never felt so violated... How anyone can say they like Anal sex is beyond my wildest imaginations. Maybe I am a prude!!! But I love my prudishness.

jambudu said...

Serious talk. But also funny.
But really let's ask ourselves these questions, ever wonder y there are a lot of gay men? A guy's g-spot is where again? Exactly.

N said...

I would let him if he would let me also stick a pin(no, make that an 18gauge needle) up his nose at the same time.....what? that's how me too I get my own sexual enjoyment na! Sebi, we are all fulfilling our sexual fantasy ni....KMT!

@dube4real said...

Peeps have a right to their opinions and differences, but i personally cannot understand the urge for anal. It's so demeaning and derogatory, reduces the human being to less than an animal. I don't believe you can do that to someone you have regards for. I wonder how those that do it would feel if they knew that some guy was doing that to their sisters...

A passionate piece, you never disappoint dear.

HAW said...

LOL @ Beforesheimplodes ..You say?? A whole Hand?? My Goodness.. Sorry about that.

Miss Phury, I know you are tired of me telling you how much I love your blog but I do. You are so REAL!!! *High Five*

But seriously speaking, I do not understand the thought of Anal and now Sadly I can not look at the word 'Analyse' the same way again. LMAO!

Some guy who I used to talk to loved the idea of anal so much and Was indirectly trying to know what I thought about it and me being so direct told him Straight No! That WTH is that! And I was like you know what, If you allow me stick it up your a$$, that I'll allow hi do the same.. LOL.. he ran! hahahahah!

Its just Gay abeg.. Butt hole sex.. What happened to the normal hole..

Gosh!

H.A.W

mizchif said...

LOL! I love you Maddy, seriously.
I'm not in agreement with everything you've said but instead of writting an epistle in your comment box i just might do a post in response.

Anonymous said...

@mizchif And by epistle im sure u;re referring to Midas' comment.

Crave's Corner said...

Thank you, i couldn't agree more!!! Attempt entry and be met with a donkey kick, believe that!

Fluffycutething said...

hahahahahaha sorry oh LOL

Afronuts said...

I'm soo with you on this!
Seriously...what is the point of anal sex? What kind of sick joy do those who do it derive from it?

Its one of the weirdest sexual abominations in human history!
This is what really makes Gay relationships sooo sick too!

Myne Whitman said...

Quite a divisive topic, but I think each person is entitled.

ruddie said...

anal sex is bad . If he likes it, let him fuck his male friend.

sexo xxx said...

I think it will give hard time for humans.

Anonymous said...

Well written and well-said. any woman who says she enjoys it, she is lying. She just wants to please/keep her man at any cost. Woman don't have a prostate gland. Supposedly, that is why gays have any sex, the friction against the prostate gland. Thus, how can anal sex be enjoyable for women?

Anonymous said...

Either you're a gay muthafucka or the selfish bastard she's refers to

Anonymous said...

Opinions are like the asshole you don't want to get fucked... everybody has one.

Those of you who vocally don't care for...
1) homosexuality
2) marijuana use
3) reproductive rights
4) any of a plethora of other harmless activities
... really need to smarten up and realize your experience and POV aren't somehow universal to mankind. There are 7 billion of us. Good chance some of us are more compassionate, more wise, more tolerant, more adventurous, more open-minded than you.

nikki rockwood said...

First, I really enjoyed your writing. I loved your honesty and ability to express your thoughts as they were, uncut and straight up. Personally, I did not find any part of it vulgar or profane. I simply found it honest. Second, I respect your opinión and choices. I do not agree with a couple of things you stated, but I respect them nonetheless. How do you know you don't like something, if you have not tried it? I like to try or taste everything at least once before saying I don't like it. Anal sex is not something to engage in frequently nor something to engage in with just anyone. You don't want to do it more than once a month. You do want to do it with the same person, if possible. The person you do it with must be a person you trust and respect and vice versa. An anal orgasm is very intense. I thought my head was going to spin 360° over and over like the Exorcist before eventually exploding and detaching itself off the rest of my body. I do not engage in anal sex more than once a month. I use plenty of good lube and do it only with my long time boyfriend (9 yrs). When I do have anal sex I make sure I am clean, fully relaxed, and equip myself with a vibrator I use on my clitoris. Doing so relaxes me greatly plus allows me to achieve a ridiculousy powerful orgasm, quickly. I want to make this clear though: it took me about a month and several times trying before he was able to insert his entire penis inside me. When we were able to achieve a full insertion, we had to stop there and no stroking, in and out, was performed because I found it painful and uncomfortable. After a few full insertions I felt comfortable telling him to slowly thrust a few times. I added the vibrator and after a few seconds you would think I was an anal sex pork star. I was riding it hard and deep and feeling amazingly powerful head spinning orgasms, quickly. Yes, anal sex is different than vaginal sex. I won't get into the morals or ethics of anal sex or religious viewpoint either. My opinion or advice for anyone thinking about having anal sex is simple:
1) do not practice it more than once a month
2) engage in it only with the same person
3) make sure both of you are free all std's
4) make sure both of you are well educated on both male and female body parts and sexual organs
5). You must have total trust in the person you do this with and must feel fully at ease instructing the person
6) try an aenima to cleanse the interior walls of the rectum the day before or morning of the day you think you will be doing it on
7) make sure you have pooped that day at least 3-4 hours prior to doing this. If you have a runny stomach or diarea or are particularly gassy the day of, then do not do this until that is no longer the case.
8) have plenty of good lube meant specifically for anal penetration and use tons of it
9) make sure you are both freshly bathed and clean and start massaging and stroking the rim of the anus, then slowly introducing the tip of a finger. At this time I strongly suggest stimulation of the clitoris also taking place. I prefer a vibrator on a slower setting and working my way to higher settings once the entire penis is completely inside. If I insert a finger into my vagina while he is thrusting me and I have a vibrator on my clitoris, it is pretty much guaranteed I will have long,insane squirting orgasm within just a few minutes.

nikki rockwood said...

First, I really enjoyed your writing. I loved your honesty and ability to express your thoughts as they were, uncut and straight up. Personally, I did not find any part of it vulgar or profane. I simply found it honest. Second, I respect your opinión and choices. I do not agree with a couple of things you stated, but I respect them nonetheless. How do you know you don't like something, if you have not tried it? I like to try or taste everything at least once before saying I don't like it. Anal sex is not something to engage in frequently nor something to engage in with just anyone. You don't want to do it more than once a month. You do want to do it with the same person, if possible. The person you do it with must be a person you trust and respect and vice versa. An anal orgasm is very intense. I thought my head was going to spin 360° over and over like the Exorcist before eventually exploding and detaching itself off the rest of my body. I do not engage in anal sex more than once a month. I use plenty of good lube and do it only with my long time boyfriend (9 yrs). When I do have anal sex I make sure I am clean, fully relaxed, and equip myself with a vibrator I use on my clitoris. Doing so relaxes me greatly plus allows me to achieve a ridiculousy powerful orgasm, quickly. I want to make this clear though: it took me about a month and several times trying before he was able to insert his entire penis inside me. When we were able to achieve a full insertion, we had to stop there and no stroking, in and out, was performed because I found it painful and uncomfortable. After a few full insertions I felt comfortable telling him to slowly thrust a few times. I added the vibrator and after a few seconds you would think I was an anal sex pork star. I was riding it hard and deep and feeling amazingly powerful head spinning orgasms, quickly. Yes, anal sex is different than vaginal sex. I won't get into the morals or ethics of anal sex or religious viewpoint either. My opinion or advice for anyone thinking about having anal sex is simple:
1) do not practice it more than once a month
2) engage in it only with the same person
3) make sure both of you are free all std's
4) make sure both of you are well educated on both male and female body parts and sexual organs
5). You must have total trust in the person you do this with and must feel fully at ease instructing the person
6) try an aenima to cleanse the interior walls of the rectum the day before or morning of the day you think you will be doing it on
7) make sure you have pooped that day at least 3-4 hours prior to doing this. If you have a runny stomach or diarea or are particularly gassy the day of, then do not do this until that is no longer the case.
8) have plenty of good lube meant specifically for anal penetration and use tons of it
9) make sure you are both freshly bathed and clean and start massaging and stroking the rim of the anus, then slowly introducing the tip of a finger. At this time I strongly suggest stimulation of the clitoris also taking place. I prefer a vibrator on a slower setting and working my way to higher settings once the entire penis is completely inside. If I insert a finger into my vagina while he is thrusting me and I have a vibrator on my clitoris, it is pretty much guaranteed I will have long,insane squirting orgasm within just a few minutes.