Awake, My Soul...

You get emotionally broken at times and you swear that would be your last. But someone comes along who reminds you of what happiness may actually feel like again. You defy the odds and believe fate has finally reached out to you. A moment, an hour, a day passes but history repeats itself and you’re back to square one wondering how you got so stupid and caught up once again in lies, a beautiful face and deceit. Life is never so straight forward is it? 

So now you begin to suspect the problem might lie with you. You begin to ask yourself questions and doubt the only person who has protected you from the worst of it and helped you mend every single time; YOU. You berate yourself for always picking up the pieces and walking tall. Why must you be so bloody tough? What the fuck are all these high walls for? There’s no sunlight creeping in, only darkness and moist. Child, we need to let in the sunlight, stop swimming in darkness and getting hurt by the reefs. Smile more, laugh more, leave your room more and be different from who you are now. READING TOO MANY BOOKS STOPS YOU FROM LEADING A NORMAL LIFE. But it’s crazy, this is all you've ever known. This is what has made you different. Having zero social skills never translated to being a bad person. Its not like you hit a bus full of Nuns while driving a stolen car on your way to selling drugs to school children. You try to remember what circumstances occurred in your life to build such a strong brick wall around yourself. 

You’re second guessing your mentality. You’re a strong woman but that doesn't seem to be working. Death has left a really huge part of you broken somewhat and you do not know how to begin to fix it. You’re quite happy the way you are, but a lot of people see you as damaged and a bit crazy. They become weary of you because they cannot understand you. They think you’re weird and complicated. But that’s alright…

He walks into your life like a ray of sunlight, the shape of sound high in the evergreens, smiling and happy. So happy you want to punch him in his beautiful face. No one should be that happy. But his warmth surrounds you and you hate it because you don’t understand it. You’re hurting but he can’t see that. You won't let him in because you’re scared of being hurt again, of people knowing that you are actually capable of a great deal of emotion. You want to be loved though. You’re actually dying slowly to be loved for once in your life. But no one must know that. Love hurts anyway. Love means giving someone the power to destroy you but trusting them not to. Why would you want to subject yourself to such an emotion? Do you really want someone to turn your life around and share things with that you've never told another soul? Will you ever be comfortable enough with someone to cry in front of them or make a fool of yourself without feeling embarrassed? Is there a guy out there who will never hurt your feelings intentionally or make you feel like you’re not good enough, but rather help you break these walls and show you things about you that make you special and beautiful? Someone who only exudes calmness when they are around and you’re not worried about what they think of you because they love you for who you are?  Maybe... but at the moment the tough exterior suits you just fine. You understand you and that’s all that matters. One day, the walls will come down for the right person you tell yourself. One day...

But the walls never come down. Not even when you're alone. Not even when you're asleep. Not even when you're dead.

No One Understands

"Fairy tales are more than true: not because they tell us that dragons exist, but because they tell us that dragons can be beaten." Neil Gaiman,Coraline.

 Its three o'clock in the morning and i cannot fucking sleep. I'm so tired and i'm just praying it all goes away. But it doesn't, it hasn't and i fear that it wouldn't. Everything is as it should be. The world moves around me, my mind impervious to it. It moves around me, oblivious to my pain and breaking mind. My mind the only thing that keeps me sane, now about to drown in some abyss just like the rest of me. My willpower, my beliefs, my faith. Lord! My faith!!! Where did it all go wrong? When did this start? What is this feeling that creeps into my chest like the cold hands of death?

I cannot breathe. I'm having another panic attack. I've tried to talk to someone, no fuck that, i've spoken to a few people. But no one seems to get it. How can they? How do you understand something that baffles you? How can they understand something that even i don't understand? Something i cannot put into words? How do i explain what i'm going through to the ones i love without scaring them? How do i make them see that i'm not as strong as they think I am? How do i make them realise that I'm now broken, like a china doll, lying in bits and pieces at some dark corner of my mind.

Who is this i see when i look at the mirror everyday? Who is this that reminds me of someone i knew years ago? What is this nervousness i feel, breathless and ashamed to look further? I see something that leaves me very weak and disgusted. How did i come to be this person? What sad events in my life have led me to this strange place? How do you begin to fight a hollowness in your soul? How do you fill that void? I cross my hand over my chest as the tears start to fall, fearful of the sound, I bury my head in my pillow. Tempting. Perhaps it'll suffocate me to death and free me of this feeling. If I slit my wrists, how soon before my life ebbs away? Would I then be free of this agony? No? Perhaps if I swallowed all the contents of my advil box I'd see God. Would he let me have just one conversation before escorting me to the pits of hell? Is he going to understand that there is something seriously wrong with me? Would i be forgiven?

Why do i feel this way? What has gotten into me lately? I might be possessed by Belzeebub. My body his instrument of sadness and inhumanity, soul gone, feelings repressed and eyes like that of a dead fish. There is simply no joy in my life anymore, no happiness, no pain. Nothing. I've become an empty shell, not willing to hang out with my friends or family. Not wanting to do anything anymore. Most people would kill for my life, my job. What do you do when the things that used to bring you so much joy only bring you emptiness? Is there a National helpline for people in my condition? How do you deal with waking up screaming in panic at four o'clock in the morning? Pushing away that special one who wants to be there for you? Wanting to hurt them just so they feel a semblance of what you're going through? Hating them for trying to bring some light into your life. For being caring and sweet. Wanting to crush that joy and wipe the fucking smile off their beautiful faces. So jealous of them for being in a good place that it robs you of breath.

Neil Gaiman perfectly explains it: "In every way that counted, I was dead. Inside somewhere maybe I was screaming and weeping and howling like an animal, but that was another person deep inside, another person who had no access to the lips and face and mouth and head, so on the surface I just shrugged and smile and kept moving. If i could have physically passed away, just let it all go, like that, without doing anything, stepped out of life easily as walking through a door I would have done. But I was going to sleep at night and waking in the morning, disappointed to be there and resigned to existence".

Who do you talk to when you can finally put the way you feel into words? I am ashamed and i know that i shouldn't be. I'm lonely as I've always been. Lonely because no one knows. No one understands.

The Shit Hole.

First of all, my unlimited respect, value and salutation to all and their personal opinions.

I hate anal sex. I hate what it stands for, I hate the thought of it and I hate the practice of it. No fuck that, I’m scared shitless of anal sex. Have I ever had anal sex? NO! But I’ve had an anal experience that has put me off the whole thing for LIFE. I would dispense that story as you read on.

I find the very thought of it selfish and a tad bit degrading. Selfish because I really doubt anyone but the guy attains sexual pleasure from it. Research has shown that the walls of the anus are so tight that the rectum practically sucks up the penis like a vacuum which must be a truly great experience for the guy. So he cums and that ends that? Where’s the pleasure for the woman? Even if you decide to maybe stroke her clitoris while you analyse her, she would probably be too worried and tensed to reach an orgasm. We’re not even talking about the germs in the anus that can cause all kinds of infections. First of all, the anus must be lubricated to avoid pain and discomfort. The wall of the rectum is very thin and permeable that the man must go really gently so as to avoid tear or cause internal bleeding which may or may not be repairable. The chick is also likely to end up with permanent damage to her bowel movement. There are also those guys who don’t use condoms and cum in the butt. Do you know that semen mixed with contents of the rectum can make her really sick? What then is the point of mind altering sex if I can’t be relaxed or ask my partner to go fast when I’m on the throes of pleasure? Talking about one must not poopoo at least two hours before anal, must take a shower and use a douche to scent that place incase he wants to lick it. Like WTF!!! How many guys do you know will go down and lick an anus or put their fingers in one? Don’t worry-I’ll wait. Then again ladies, maybe your first rule to those anxious guys should be you can’t poke it unless you’re willing to lick it first.

Think about it for a minute though. The rectum was not designed to have things go in; only out. The vagina stretches to let in a penis and let out a child, but the anus does not. Hence regular use of it for sex will cause it to lose its elasticity and you may need to start wearing diapers or get stitched up. We women are so conscious of our bodies that it sometimes leads to nervousness during normal intercourse. Now, imagine if it was anal sex-she will probably be having thoughts like I just pooed isn’t my hole smelling, what if he puts his fingers there and it comes out with shit? I mean, why would any girl in her right mind be naked and allow a man’s penis enter there? I would personally be mortified. The smell, the germs, the bacteria-a huge fucking turn off. It would feel so sick, twisted and perverted. My friend Owolabi says "I agree that with some men it is a taboo and I’m sure that guys like me enjoy it more because we feel we are taking something that is not freely given. I think if it was in my case, when a chick says, ‘yeah, do me in the butt anytime you want, I love it and blah blah blah’, guys wouldn’t want it that much. I think deep down it’s the control factor and when the control is gone, the need is gone as well. I remember during NYSC, this chick said she didn’t like it but did it with two nice guys and at the time couldn’t sit for over a week. Two “nice” guys? If you don’t like it, why are you doing it? No wonder you can’t sit."

Okay, so my own meandering experience goes thus. I had a running stomach for almost 3weeks in March last year and after several urine, blood and stool tests which all proved negative, I decided to see a doctor about it. Biggest mistake of my life. I get there and he asks me the usual questions. Do you have rashes, swelling or blood around your butt? To which I reply in the negative. My mom insisted on going with me there to make me feel all comfy and stop the doctor from having any weird ideas. But I think she was really worried. Then he asks me to push up my dress, take off my panties and lie down on my side so he can check for swelling or blood. I’m like huh? Dude I just fucking told you I had none of that. I hesitate further when I see him putting on gloves and I’m like errrr… do you plan on sticking your fingers up my butt? He smiled and said I should just lie down and relax. I do so and as he sticks his finger up and around my butt to check for hemorrhoids and crap, I cringe in pain. It feels like three hours when its finally over but it was just about 45 seconds. He says there’s a little swelling but he needs to take a closer look. Now I’m even more confused than a blind lesbian in a fish shop. A closer look how? Do I have to pull my butt cheeks apart so you can peer inside? This man actually laughs. He goes over to some locker and brings out a periscope the size of a three month old puppy. I shit you not. It looked like the spaceship in ET. I thought to myself-there is no fucking way that 3month old puppy is going to fit in my ass. He laughs again and says ‘that is because this part does not go up there’. This guy is deranged I tell you. Like he’s enjoying my discomfort in a sick way. Out of the alien he pulls out this penis looking thing and says ‘this does’. He rubs some ky jelly and explains to my mom that it is to make it glide in easier… and that’s when I freak out. Fuck No! Fuck No!!! you’re not going to sodomise me with that shit. I don’t care what you think. Fuck that. My mom tells me I’m acting like a baby. I look at her like are you going to sit there and let them analise your daughter? She calls my sister, a doctor, who tells me I have to do it just to be sure I haven’t gotten internal bleeding and what not from the constant stooling. How is that even possible? People shit all the damn time. 

I’m so pissed off when I lie down. I squeeze my butt so tight and start reciting psalm23. The KY jelly obviously doesn’t work. How can it? The thing he’s trying to shove inside me is like 6inches, but my butt is squeezed so tight that only about two inches go in before I start uttering profanities. At the end, It was weird, painful and hurt like a muthafucker. Plus the doctor didn’t find anything. I wanted to slam his head on the wall. My butt felt violated and he gave me some medication and anusol. Getting fucked in the butt by a fucking microscope is not something I would ever want to relieve ever again- and one stupid guy will now tell me to open my butt for him to go in? The male gspot is located in the anus right? How about if I anal-ysed you instead? No? Yeah.. I didn’t think so.

Anal sex isn’t just for the sexually daring anymore, but don’t let that fool you. If you enjoy doing it then by all means carry on. But if you hate it and you’re doing it just to please your man-then you need to consider whether he truly respects and likes you. Backdoor play is a different beast altogether.

PS: Turns out the stooling was due to some chinese tea I had been drnking. All that pain for nothing.