What Women Want....

"Women have been trained to speak softly and carry a lipstick...Those days are over"

WWW are the three words guaranteed to frighten any man alive-or at least according to the men folk. Men act as confused as a bunch of blind lesbians in a fish shop when it comes to understanding what makes the average woman tick. For ladies all we had to use were our instincts, intuition and a little bit of detective work when it came to men. I agree my Father told me about the birds and the bees but i hate to think it was all lies because I went steady with a woodpecker for three years. He never told me about woodpeckers. But i figure the same way all guys cannot be said to be the same, is the same way guys must understand that "All women DO NOT want the same thing".

An aristo chic would tell you she wants a wealthy guy, hell most chics would say the same thing. But there are those who care about the more mundane things in a relationship as opposed to wham bam thank you maam. Sometimes i feel the reproduction of man is a great marvel and mystery. Had God consulted me in the matter, I should have advised him to continue the generation of the species by fashioning them out of clay.

My name is Phury Mackeltar and these are the things i want in a man. Understand that this is merely a wish list and may differ a little from reality.

Sensitivity: A man has to be attuned to me in a way. I said on twitter some days ago that the best aphrodisiacs for women are words. Words lead to every thing-forgiveness, sex, relationships, hatred etc. I need to know that when I'm sick, irritated, confused, sad, happy, dejected or even having a bout of low self esteem, he would understand my plight. He should know what to say and when to say nothing but just be there for me. This falls under being romantic too.

Confidence: Men have called me a bitch, a man-hater, a feminazi and all that bollocks...but in my mind it always translates to "You don't need me to validate your existence, and that scares me". I can't stand a man who appears intimidated by me. There is nothing sexy about that and I will only just resent you. Seize me by my horns and kiss me if you want to. If i slap you, that basically tells you not to try it next time. But what if i don't?

Honesty: I tell white lies sometimes but its all in good faith.I like to shock people as much as i can and once that aim is achieved i go on to tell you it was a joke. If you met a girl you wanted to have a casual relationship with, just come right out and tell her that instead of making promises you can't keep. You know the adage about a woman scorned yeah? Believe me, there's a reason its called 'girls gone wild' and not 'women gone wild'. When girl's go wild they show their breasts. When women go wild they kill men or drown your new girlfriends in a bath tub of urine and puke. All women do this right? No? Shit!!!

Players: I cannot fucking stand players. I've had to tell girls off on certain occasions. Your jerk of a boyfriend is like a plate of rotten beans in the fridge. You don't keep going back and tasting the beans to see if its better; why do you think that if you gave him enough chances, he'll magically become a nice guy. If you are a player and reading this, revert to the above paragraph on honesty.

Intelligence: Its been said that once a woman passes a certain point in intelligence, it is almost impossible to get a husband;she simple cannot go on listening [to men] without snickering. I want someone i can carry interesting and intellectual conversations with. My date last night was so annoying. And oh!the painful attempts at wit. Clearly this guy thought he was hot shit on a stick with rice. I do agree with the shit part,though,i definitely have my suspicions about that stick. Do not tell me I'm so tall, or sexy or have niceteeth. That is not intelligent. Especially the part about my teeth.

Brave: People are wrong. The size of a man's penis is unimportant. What matters is how big his balls are. Whilst i don't want someone prone to displays of public nuisance, i would sleep better at night knowing that my man would break a jaw to keep me safe.

Commitment and Friendship: I know I'm commitment phobic but maybe that's because i haven't met the right guy yet. But when i do, I'd like for him to be committed to me.I think men are more in touch with the realities of commitment, and that's why they avoid making them. We women on the other hand candy-coat the reality of dating. Its always important to become friends with a chic who you like without telling her you like her. That way you get to know the real her.

Sex: Need i say more? You're either good or willing to learn. Either of the two works for me, but if after six tries you still ejaculate after ten seconds, then we have to call Houston. After sex when I'm not satisfied, and he lays there grinning like he just kissed Irina Shayk, I feel like pouring hot wax on his penis. Hahahaha. I jest of course:premature ejaculation isn't a laughing matter for anyone, except for your friends when you tell them about it on the phone the next morning. I know someone's marriage who ended because the main event was invariably over before he got his shoes off.

Look Good: No beer bellies or teeth plaques from too much smoking. This is why women have more opportunities than men to get laid. I mean, have you LOOKED at the guys complaining that they can't get any? They have bad haircuts, no concept of how to dress, don't shave their armpits or wear any underwear. Then some tuck their shirts into pants so that we can see their beer bellies hanging over their belts. Ovoko!!! And they try the LAMEST lines on women who look like they just stepped off the fashion pages of vogue. Now if you were a wealthy SOB, all that may work for you-But if all we are talking about is sex here, and raw sexual extraction. Let's face it, the bulk of the male race is damned ugly. You want to get laid or need that hot chic with the toned body? Try looking HALF as good as the women you drool over.

God Fearing: That is all. No need for explanations. This simply means you can't initiate weird things or illuminate.

I've said it before, there are lots of single women in the world that have yet to spontaneously combust due to lack of the presence of the penis. So if as a guy after reading this you find it hard to understand WWW, then i really don't care anymore. Plus now i don't even care if you're angry or frustrated because someone [me] changed the rules while you weren't looking and forgot to send a damned memo. Not all women want the same thing. Just concentrate on what the one you're with or want to be with wants. Get used to it,guys. Or get a cat.